Ramblings of an e-Celebrity ☆

srsly..

2010-06-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Do I really have to wait a week for this issue of GQ to come out?

Srsly? Srsly. Dude. You never cease to amaze me. My vagina is also impressed, just FYI.

& must they always put you on a bed, Baby Tay-Tay? Must you allow them to tease us with your body like so?

wade wade wade

2010-06-10T22:58:00.001-07:00

Of course Wade choreographed this. Of course he did.

Maybe I won't be boycotting this season after all, like I always say I will. Then again, that's what they did last time -- had Wade choreograph an amazing opening number for the season, and then had us all watch as the rest of the show went to shit one poorly-scheduled episode at a time.

But really, this is awesome.

AHHH! I forgot to look for PASHAAAA!!

NMz... THERE you are! :D :D :D

for the serious collector

2010-06-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

Eclipse trading cards. You know, in case you're interested..

This one is titled, "Jacob's Biceps FTW" --

This one I'm pretty sure is called "TMI Description That Almost Ruins One of the Few Moments in Which Bella Does What You Want Her To. Almost." --
& if my memory serves me correct, this one is titled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooOooOoOOooOOOOO :(" --"I'M SORRY" MY ASS! YOU. DUMB. BITCH.

DIE.

*tear*

Twitter WIN.

2010-06-02T12:38:00.001-07:00

Oh. My. God.

See? Sometimes being an internet creeper pays off.

If you don't know who Kenny is... umm.. maybe you'd recognize him better as Mr. Beautiful? No? Okay, don't worry about it. It's probably for the best. Unless you want some hot shirtless pics -- then no, you should totally google him.

I'm pretty sure that counts as like, 1st base in Twitter-land, at least. If I play my cards right, I should be getting some shirtless TwitPics in no time!

BTW, if Taylor Lautner had an official Twitter, I'd probably already be in jail by now.

Risk-taking Fail.

2010-05-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

So for the "Dancing with the Stars" finale, each couple is required to do a "freestyle" piece, which is pretty much any style or combination of styles they want to serve as their lasting impression/crowd pleaser before the voters decide their fate. Usually it ends up being a hodgepodge of hip hop and death-defying lifts, tricks, & flips. However, Erin Andrews apparently decided to do things differently this time around, and "take a risk."

As a result, Erin and Maks (PS: I love you) decided to go the "contemporary" route. Keep in mind, neither of them are trained in contemporary... not even Maks (though I'm sure that's a lie, to some extent, because those pros could probably turn water into wine if they were assigned to do so). This would be a perfectly acceptable "risk" to take, except for the fatal mistake of revealing that they called in SYTYCD choreographer Mandy Moore in to help them.

...Because the dance they performed was SO OBVIOUSLY 100% step-for-step taken from the mind of Mandy Moore. & she's not even a part of "Dancing with the Stars" -- Maks is supposed to be choreographing this thing, not some traitor from another network's show! Not like Mandy Moore isn't a contemporary choreographing genius (though I'm kind of convinced that's an oxymoron), but she is by no means "diverse." In other words, every Mandy Moore routine looks exactly the same. Like this one. Exactly. Like I'm pretty sure they might have already performed this exact routine on SYTYCD. If you've ever seen an episode of SYTYCD, you know exactly what I'm talking about:

1. Bed as a prop? Check.
2. Corset-y chiffon-skirted costume? Check.
3. Woman getting tossed about with no actual choreography other than being thrown around? Check.
4. Cliche "Monster Ballad" 80s song choice? CHECK CHECK CHECK.

I love you Maks, I really do. But you didn't even try, did you?

humanah humanah

2010-05-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

I love when I find surprise secret outtake pictures of Taylor Lautner that didn't make the cut of the many magazines I've collected:

DOES ANYONE HAVE A SLEEPING BAG? Please. SERIOUSLY. A fucking sleeping bag please?! PLEASE. NOW. FUCK!!!

Like.. seriously? Seriously. SERIOUSLYYYY. You ~~are~~ were not 17. Like whaaaaaaaat?!

This is me right now, not even joking:

What am I saying? Of course you know I'm not joking.

forza azzurri...?

2010-05-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

Oh hai.

What, no Team Italy love?

It's times like these I'm deeply sad, in the midst of my 4-years-in-the-making World Cup excitement, that Luca Toni is not on this year's national team. FML.

This epic ad makes me even sadder about his absence. But Cannavaro FTW!

"all-star" WIN!

2010-05-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Every time another dud season of "So You Think You Can Dance" rolls around, I tell myself I'm gonna boycott & stop watching altogether. And ever since Nigel officially announced all the desperate/terrible changes they have in store for this upcoming season (if you haven't heard, instead of doing contestant "couples" like they always have, they're bringing back old "all-stars" aka past-season REJECTS to dance with each contestant, depending on what style of dance they draw out of the hat each week), I've been SURE I wouldn't be able to handle it without throwing a fit each episode. PLUS, if that whole concept isn't stupid enough as is, not to mention completely FAULTY, they announced that these so-called "all-stars" include the likes of COMFORT (I'm seething over here at just the thought of her, srsly), and that Mark dude from Chelsie Hightower's season, who I DID like, but doesn't have the technical ability to serve as an "all-star" of any kind of dance at all! UGH. You don't need me to keep going.

Anyway, I was pretty annoyed at the whole thing, until I was stalking "American Idol" photos on the FOX page & encountered the entire "all-star" lineup & found...

PASHA?!?!?!

I fucking LOVE PASHA!!!!!!!!!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Love him. Of course, I'd MUCH prefer it if they just made him a new pro on "Dancing with the Stars" already, but I guess this is better than nothing.

I mean, of course I have to watch now!!! ..Even if it means fast-forwarding through all the other bullshit.

mtv just wants to piss me off

2010-05-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

If the MTV Movie Awards nominations are gonna be all up in my bidness when I'm trying to watch reruns of "Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat II" online, I have no choice but to give my commentary on the matter.

I'm gonna go out on an unstable, breaking limb and assume the photos provided are meant to illustrate the "Best Kiss" nominations. Call me crazy...

(Notice that, per usual, I've A-B-&-C'd the photos to facilitate easy matching with my corresponding thoughts.)

A. Because it involves a girl-on-girl kiss, & the two characters also happen to be part of the cast of Twilight, I'd say this one would be a contender. However, due to the very existence of choice letter C, it automatically has no shot. Not counting the possibility of "rigging," that is. But really, why even bother with voting? Just stop the charade, already!

B. The Proposal. Srsly...?

C. Shoe-in.

D. What. The. Hell.

E. FUCK YOU.

SUPPLIIIZE!

2010-05-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

OMG. YOU. DUMB. BITCHES.

NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR.

bow down to Derek

2010-05-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

Derek Hough, you are a genius.

I always thought that when I'm a contestant on Dancing with the Stars (yes, when, not "if"), I'd obvi want to be paired with my boyfriend Maksim... even though he makes all of his partners cry (but that's because they're wimps & didn't grow up with a Ukrainian grandma). But certain routines in the past couple seasons, like the one below for example, are starting to convince me that Derek is where it's at. No wonder his sister Julianne is coming back next year (after becoming a big-headed "country star" & being "too good" for the show for 2 seasons) -- I'd be jealous of all the glory too!

Now as much as it pains me (seriously pains me) to give praise to anything that involves that dirty cheater Nicole Scherzinger (SHE IS ALREADY A PROFESSIONAL DANCER! & AN AMAZING ONE AT THAT! SHE SHOULD BE BANISHED FROM THE SHOW! Don't even get me started), this dance just needs to be appreciated for its amazing choreo. The challenge was to perform (& in Derek's case, create) a 50s-themed Paso Doble. So just pretend instead of the stupid cheater performing, it's just one of the other professional dancers (cuz it might as well be!!):

Paso Dobles are usually a total snooze, in my opinion... but I want to learn this one, STAT! I don't care what it's for. Street performing? Drunk "dance" lessons at Deseo Tequila Lounge? I'll make it work.

PS: I am on Team Evan Lysacek, in case you were wondering!

poor biebz

2010-05-03T21:08:00.001-07:00

I am in no way an advocate of anti-Justin propaganda (obvi, I'm like his number 283923023 fan!), but at the same time, I do enjoy a good laugh at a idiot's expense.

Therefore, this had to be posted. & laughed at.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he must have thought it was some kind of weird slang...

BTW, Bieber is German for beaver.

your love is my ke$ha

2010-04-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

I cannot. stop. laughing:

Wait. It gets worse. Or better, I'm not sure.

Okay, I have to admit that I was indeed able to stop laughing. I can't decide at which point it stops being funny and when it starts being devastatingly... devastating.

I mean, we know she can't be trashed because she didn't mess up her choreography once (yes, I'm daring to call it that)! So what's going on Ke$ha? Really, what is this rubbish? Other than the obvious comedy, I mean.

"DID ANYONE EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE WE ARE THE ALIIIIENNNS?!"

..Errr, no, but now I'm pretty convinced that you are.

shoe fetish

2010-04-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know, my boyfriend Maksim Chmerkovskiy and I would have beautiful Creative Recreation-wearing babies:

(Okay, I threw that last one in just for fun. Clearly not shoe-related.. though relevant to the 'having beautiful babies' part).

Tangent: Of course, Baby Tay-Tay and I would also have beautiful Creative Recreation-wearing babies, but... he's not ready for kids yet, obvi. I don't think?!

In any case, I have such good taste in men with good shoe taste.

Anyway, is it just me or is Maks way nicer this season? His old militant Russian surliness always turned me on, but now he's nicer, & I'm still turned on.

like a dreamy christmas elf

2010-04-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does this picture make J-Biebz look like that awkward post-puberty teenager we knew he'd inevitably turn into, thus ending his career? I'll bet his voice even cracked mid-laugh.

For once, I do not want to pinch his cheeks, give him a noogie, and rock him to sleep against my bosom. I love me some Justin Bieber, but this picture has got to go!

This is why, People Magazine, your distributor prefers that you choose from a selection of previously-taken, pre-approved paparazzi photos to place on your covers, instead of allotting you the money for brand-new expensive photo shoots each week. You know, like your friends from "OK!" who just splice together pictures of two people from two completely separate red carpet events to fabricate a fascinating love story when the two never actually appeared together even once! VOILA! TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS SAVED! After all, you clearly have not demonstrated that you know the difference between a photo that looks decently cover-worthy, and one that makes your featured celebrity look like a live-action member of Alvin & The Chipmunks.

I'm actually more disturbed by the "EXCLUSIVE" in the top right corner with Maks and Erin's BULLSHIT "Dancing with the Stars" romance. Hates you.

congrats!

2010-04-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

YAY! POREOTICS WINS ABDC SEASON 5!

"T-Swizzle".. okay, Mario.

I'm immensely relieved, as I was kind of worried that a shitty team would win for no reason, considering the mess that was last season! BARF. Though the top 3 teams this time around were my favorite top 3 from the beginning, for once! I guess America (aka the minuscule fraction of American who actually votes) came to its senses.

Can I join your "crew," plz? I would feel right at home! I miss my azn teammates :(

i want a toothless of my very own!

2010-04-02T15:26:00.001-07:00

SO GOOD.If the year was 1991 (with the computer animation know-how of today, of course) and I was back in kindergarten, the year I dressed up as a dragon for the school Halloween parade, I would be OBSESSED with this movie. What can I say, I was a strange little girl.

Your move, Pixar!

kids know all

2010-03-28T19:36:00.001-07:00

Oh, Baby Tay-Tay. You are so handsome. And stylish. And you're sooooo... what's the word I'm looking for...? You're sooooo...
Oh yeah. Fancy.

Srsly though, if I was still at UCLA while they were having the Kids' Choice Awards and saw him on the way to buy my spring quarter books... Oh shit. I'd get my ass tasered SO FAST. But it would be totally worth it. Can you imagine?! I mean, I would have at least gotten my hand down his American Apparel v-neck by the time security got to me. UNLESS he karate-chopped me out of the way. Man, I forgot he's hella ninja. Didn't think about that. DAMMIT.

But really, the Kids' Choice Awards are super legit. I mean, obvi Taylor Lautner is the best actor of them all. And obvi "Alvin & The Chipmunks: the Squeakquel" is the best movie of the year.

UGHHHH

2010-03-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

WTF.Not this shit again.

Bitch tryna walk all fastly like she ain't be eatin' lunch with my man. Yeah. Good. I like that. Keep walkin'.

& keep bringing yo cock-blockin' mama on all your dates.

AND now it's too late for me to call the cops on her. Ugh. Make up your mind, Swifty. Next thing we know she'll be dating Justin Bieber. Shawty is an "eenie meenie miney mo" luvah FOR REALZ.

blah blah blahhhh

2010-03-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

It must be really embarrassing to be Ke$ha.

No, seriously. Think about it.

WTF @ 2:28 ..?!? She seriously ran backstage, put on a Quileute headdress and war paint... and RUSHED the front of the stage like "SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKAS!" Whaaaaaat....

What wouldn't I give to overhear Simon's thoughts during this performance..? That is, if he ever actually saw it considering the "live" performances are rarely actually live.

GAHHHHH

2010-03-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

OH. SHIT.

*Sigh* Jacob. My hero.

But wait. What?! No sleeping bag scene teaser?! Well, I guess it's for the best. I don't have my own personal Jacob Black body pillow to hump after seeing that shit.

"bieber fever"

2010-03-08T11:59:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Tanya, who told me all about this. Naturally I HAD to check it out.

TOO FREAKIN' CUTE:

Me too, girl. Me too.

But this is when it get's EVEN FREAKIN' CUTER:

wife choice fail

2010-03-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

LOLz.

Guess I'll be seeing your dumb ass on "Dancing With The Stars," foolio.

sweet 16!

2010-03-01T23:46:00.000-08:00

HAPPY SWEET 16, JUSTIN BIEBER!!

While this "milestone" birthday is not nearly as exciting as Baby Tay-Tay's recent 18th -- and for totally different reasons, regardless (trust -- my pedo days are so over) -- it is nevertheless an exciting time for J-Biebz.

I mean -- he can drive now! Not that he has to. I mean, I didn't. HA. Just remember, Justin -- if you get a DUI, you can't go back to your motherland Canada. Well, I mean... maybe you can since you're from there... but Canadians hate DUIs. Just don't go sour at 16 like Lindsay Lohan did. She has a HELL of a time trying to go to Canada. Fuck.

Anyway, in honor of Justin Bieber's birthday, I suggest indulging in some smooth tween-pop love song stylings, courtesty of J-Biebz himself. Like, for example, Baby baby babyyyy ohhhhhhh:

Man, I was in love when I was 15 too. With a Backstreet Boy. Just kidding, that was sooo 1998. I was already love-scorned in 10th grade, but man, if Justin Bieber had been around at the time, I would have been whistling a different tune. Just kidding. I probably would have hated his little midget guts. Anyway, happy birthday!!

sesame street surprise

2010-02-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

Apparently my mom was on the computer in the living room yesterday morning, doing her ancient AOL business with "Sesame Street" on TV in the background since PBS had been left on all night from my sister's late-night "Barney" watching, when she heard a familiar voice coming from the TV... so she TiVo-paused it & called my brother & me down to watch it:

LO-freakin'-L... In case you didn't know, I fucking love Ricky Gervais. Yeah, yeah, creator of the OG "Office" & all that, but if you've never watched "Extras" you need to borrow my DVDs, STAT. Anyway, it's refreshing to know that when I have children of my own (or even later today when I get bored), "Sesame Street" will still be pulling out the stops to entertain even us grown-ups. I mean -- holy shit, "SESAME STREET" !!!! This shit is fuckin' awesome!! Is it always this funny?!?! I think I need to "season pass" this shit on my TiVo.

In other Ricky Gervais news, I am not such a fan of his new show on HBO. It's basically the audio from his radio shows turned into cartoons. & while the stories are pretty funny, the cartoons are super lame. I wish they had used real people, but obviously since it's taken from a radio show, there's no actual "video" footage. I'd much rather just listen to the podcasts of the actual radio show (which luckily, is possible)... or just watch "Sesame Street."

WTF AI?

2010-02-24T22:06:00.001-08:00

In the 2-day 4-hour complete SNOOZE FEST that was Top 24 week #1 (to be finished by a 4-person elimination tomorrow night), there was one shiny beacon of hope:

Andrew freakin' Garcia. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY THE JUDGES DIDN'T LIKE HIM?! I'm sorry, but what's NOT original about turning a Fall Out Boy song acoustic while simultaneously annunciating the words that Pete Wentz normally slurs? I'm sorry but he SLAYED everyone else -- guys AND girls included -- and even if all 23 performers before him hadn't sucked, it still would have been a good performance. AM I ALONE HERE?! I fuckin' hope not, because I don't intend to vote, sooo.. if he's leavin', I'm pissed.

Ever since Adam Lambert and Danny Gokey started switchin' shit up on Idol, the judges have gotten spoiled and seem to have accepted it as the standard. Yes, I realize it's like Season 9 or some crazy shit like that & the bar has been raised, but this "artistry" bullshit is really pouring out of the judges' mouths like WHAT this time around. How "original" do you need to be? Does a guy HAVE to sing a Paula Abdul song to be "original" enough? You push contestants too hard to pick the most random song possible and find a way to flip it and you're left with Michael Bubles singing Britney Spears (& vice versa - gross) & then you have disasters like what that Todrick dude tried doing to "Since U Been Gone." If a contestant CAN do that and pull it off, more power to them -- that's their edge -- but don't be trying to make amateur composers out of every single kid that auditions who's just trying to get their sing on. It's a singing competition -- not all great singers have the know-how to completely rearrange a song composition-wise & just throw the new arrangement at the band & be like "YO. This is MAH VERSION." They can know how to switch up the vocals and harmonize and whatnot, but you can't put some little high school kid on there with a great voice and expect him to know how to make an ancient Big Band song marketable today. THAT'S NOT THEIR FUCKING JOB. THEY'RE ON THE DAMN COMPETITION IN THE FIRST PLACE TO GET A RECORD DEAL SO THAT SHIT'S DONE FOR THEM. REMEMBER? Can't we just go back to the old Golden Rule of just PICKING THE RIGHT FUCKING SONG FOR YOU?!

Seriously though, while this point in the competition is usually the time where the initially impressive singers reveal themselves as shitty on-camera performers, I feel like this season is a MAJOR letdown compared to other times. Looking back, only a handful were BAD, but no one was amazing. If they don't shape up next week, I might just have to act on the threats I make every season when people suck and I get pissed and actually boycott this time.

pretty song

2010-02-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

I have no desire to see "Dear John," but the TV spot that's constantly on happens to feature a song from Slal & Lisa's Pretty Songs Volume 2 (yes, Lisa & I have our own series of compilation CDs.. 10 so far, to be exact) -- one of our favorite songs from our entire collection actually, "Paperweight" by Joshua Radin featuring Schuyler Fisk -- & it just reminded me that I had to share the wondrousness that is Joshua Radin in general, but also the magic he makes with his ginger friend:

If you could tell beyond the nauseating & distracting camera movements & disjointed editing, yes, that is Kristy from the Babysitter's Club movie. You know, the freckly tomboy ho who was constantly going on secret dates with her estranged dad. Clearly, since then she has gone on to accomplish bigger and better things. Well, depending on who you're asking. Personally I'd have to go with a yes, but I will not deny that I own that movie on VHS & that biatch was robbed of an Oscar.

If I can't get the entire original Broadway cast of Rent to perform "Seasons Of Love" at my wedding while I walk down the aisle, I will settle for Joshua Radin. Fortunately for him but unfortunately for these wedding plans of mine, he's not quite the quirky independent unknown folky dude he was when Lisa & I first discovered his musical stylings... & he's already performed at Ellen DeGeneres and Portia's wedding. So thanks a lot Ellen. A celebrity wedding that also happens to be a freakin' LESBIAN wedding?! How the hell am I supposed to top that?!?!

Until I hatch my scheme and figure out a way to get him onboard and book him, I'll just have to stick to YouTube vids. ENJOY.

O HAPPY DAYYYYYY!

2010-02-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY, BABY TAY-TAY!!

ooooo-OOOOOOOO!!

Finally, the day we've all been waiting for (okay, I'll just speak for myself): Taylor Lautner is officially a legal man. Not like his previous status as a minor would've stopped me if I had been presented with the opportunity. But good news! Now all the perverted things I fantasize & write about him no longer reflect questionable morals on my behalf! Sexual harassment, perhaps, but hey -- it's not like I would tell him about all the crazy things I want to do about him... unless of course he was into it. I mean, I'm not a total creeper.

As for all the perverted things I've already said about his teenage self... BITCHES, YOU CAN'T BLAME ME!

Baby Tay-Tay, I hope you have a lovely day smoking cigarettes & buying lapdances (but not really). While you go GUYS GONE WILD on the world, I will think of a new mature nickname for you to reflect your status as an ADULT. ;)

she wastes no time!

2010-02-08T12:27:00.001-08:00

REALLY?!?!

The rumor mills are starting up! & if it's true.. I approve!

If you don't know who he is, a) I hate you, & b) he's Cory Monteith, aka the boy-hero of Glee. Everyone loves him. & you should too.

...But for some reason, some entertainment columns are uncharacteristically skeptical about this pairing, even though they've been spotted out on more than one occasion. Um, WHAT makes this couple unlikely, when you're normally playing newsroom-cupid with any two celebs of the opposite sex the second they're seen standing in the same room?! Yes, he's older (am I the only one that had NO IDEA he was 27?!), but heLLO -- they are both super cutesie, all-American, endearingly nerdy/awkward, musical, AND HE'S TALLER THAN HER! They are like freakin' Barbie and Ken. TOO CUTE.

But really, what's not to believe? Is it because they FORGET that Taylor Swift is a GROWN-ASS WOMAN?! She needs a nice older boy in her life who won't dump her over voicemail (shame on you, Jonai), or follow her around like a little puppy (I, on the other hand, wouldn't mind a lapdog, Taylor Lautner).

But speaking of older man... Cory is 27. Tay-Tay is 17 (BUT NOT FOR LONG!!). Not like I believe that Taylor & Taylor were ever actually together, but um.. a TEN-YEAR AGE JUMP?! WTF?! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, SWIFTY. That's super weird. But get it, girl. This one is probably not a virgin (& definitely not a promise-ring-wearing one). I look forward to the consequently more "mature" subject matter in your next album!

movie concept fail

2010-02-07T18:33:00.001-08:00

I can't wait to buy the new Taylor Lautner edition of this ridiculously retro toy:

Some things I'd like to know:

Why on earth are they making a movie out of the Stretch Armstrong toys?
Why did the Stretch Armstrong toys ever exist?
Why did Santa never get me a Stretch Armstrong, even though I clearly asked for one on multiple years' wishlists?
Is it just me or is there something overtly sexual about a man who can bend unnaturally into all sorts of ~~Kama Sutra~~ contortionist positions? PS: Taylor Lautner does his own stunts.
While I do not wonder why these doofus producers would want to cast Tay-Tay, as he is an enormously profitable cash cow (& a sexy one to boot), isn't he going to be a little too busy Max Steele-ing & falling in love with mutant vampire babies to tack on such an um, "ambitious" role?

dave!!

2010-01-31T22:44:00.000-08:00

While punk-ass Green Day & tone-deaf Taylor Swift (love her, but she should never be allowed to sing live. Ever.) had to rob them of their awards, they still put on an amazing Grammy performance... though I don't know who the fuck all those randos are trying to take the spotlight.

(Please note the dance break at 3:40. So glad I got to see those ants-in-the-pants live.)

I need a boyfriend so that this can be our song. Just for that reason.

my dream job

2010-01-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

This is why I want to be a film critic. So I can be the first to view the finest releases in cinematic masterpiece, & then share my opinions with the world so that the less astute theater-goers of the world can make better judgments on which films are the least waste of $11+.

He didn't spend his money on the right things?! His own backyard Raging Waters & an ice cream sundae the size of his pool?!?! HELLO, I was 8 when this movie came out, & I thought that kid was a GENIUS! Not once did I think "why on Earth did you buy that trampoline the size of a football field?" Sorry, I got mad respect for you dudes, but I think that's the least of this screenplay's Fails.

Case in point:

For all y'all who think my crush on Taylor Lautner is disturbing... STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, MUTHAFUCKAAAAS!!! ^^

Anyway, I need to get my hands on a "Blank Check" DVD, STAT! I think I might still have a stolen VHS copy from Blockbuster, come to think of it...

PS: RIP Gene.

your body is a poopland

2010-01-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

This is just for Tanya. & for whomever else would enjoy this, which is probably a lot of you:

Love his music, hate his tweets (but not more than I hate Ashton's). My attitude toward his shirtlessness lies somewhere between those two sentiments.

Not saying I would kick him out of bed (unless he tried to Twitpic my boobs), but what can I say? I like 'em a little younger & a little more innocent; he likes... anything with a famous vag, basically. It's just not meant to be. But he can continue acoustically "Free Fallin'" the shit outta my iPod for many years to come.

& not to nit-pick, for I am certainly in no position to pose half-naked on the cover of Rolling Stone, but why is one nipple darker than the other?! Photoshop fail. Or natural nipple fail, but I hope not.. but I guess that would still constitute a Photoshop fail.

starring... nicolas cage!

2010-01-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

My new favorite website, thanks to Anna: Nic Cage As Everyone.

Basically, it's a compilation of user-submitted photos of Nicolas Cage's face photoshopped into famous scenes, characters, or people. Some of them are remarkably good (in many cases scarily so), like seriously impressive photoshopping skills. Others are humorously haphazard.

For example:

Nic Cage as Dwight Schrute

Nic Cage as... uh, Baby Mama

Nic Cage as Zac Efron

Nic Cage as Guy Fieri

Nic Cage as Baby

In summary, it will either make you laugh, cry, scream, or a maniacal combination of all 3. Enjoy!

LOOKIN' LIKE A FOOL!

2010-01-14T10:23:00.000-08:00

Fuck yes.

If you haven't watched last night's American Idol, you've had to at least heard of the "pants on the ground" dude. I mean, he was already a Twitter trending topic by the time he hauled his senior citizen ass up from that death-defying split he pulled. & while I'm always pretty jaded with the preliminary audition rounds of the show every season, every once in awhile you'll get a few gems. Maybe Paula hasn't dragged the show in the shitter with her after all.

nice gig..

2010-01-12T15:48:00.000-08:00

Aside from sending me deeper into a pit of mixed despair and disbelief regarding MJ's death, "This Is It" also made me really nostalgic for my dancing days. & I don't know how many people actually took my advice & went to see the movie, but if you did, & you're attracted to the male gender, you probably noticed that aside from being incredibly talented, many of MJ's dancers were incredibly HOT. For example:

UNFFFFF

One dancer in particular was sooo attractive, in fact^^ (hot-ass Australian accent, hot-ass bulging biceps.. hot-ass DANCING, of course), that I google-stalked him upon returning home after seeing the movie. I now follow him on Twitter. He doesn't say much of interest, nor does he TwitPic half-naked pictures of himself, so he's really quite useless...

Except a few weeks ago, he "tweeted" a link to the "Turn The Tub Around" commercial. You know, that mind-numbingly lame I Can't Believe It's Not Butter TV spot with Megan Mullally?? Choreographed by Tyce Diorio -- HA! Of course it is:

I was so annoyed at being tricked into looking at such an idiotic display of margarine-dancing that I nearly @replied him telling him to stop posting jibber-jabber & give me an e-lapdance already... Until I realized --

WAIT. That's him. The gay margarine dude! That's the hot dancer guy in "This Is It!" WTF. You're IN the "Turn The Tub Around" commercial?!?!

Why?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY? Why hot Australian dancer guy? You're not nearly as hot in a Safeway apron, dancing with a tub of margarine. In fact, I think I might prefer you in your full-on zombie garb a la "Thriller."

Ugh. Do what you gotta do, I guess. Dancing's a tough business. One day you're dancing beside Michael Jackson, the next day you're doing the cabbage patch with a bucket of fake butter. C'est la vie. I'd still do him, obvi.

IYAZ strikes again!

2010-01-11T20:28:00.000-08:00

So, IYAZ is my BOY, basically. Sort of like Justin Bieber is, except... IYAZ is actually black.

Anyway, I've long since moved on from "Replay" (also known as "Got My Eyeballs All Over The Place," according to some people who don't my knack for translating Jamaica-sounding accents), so I was SUPER excited to hear his next single on the radio home from work!

I know I sound like his promoter bitch or something, but I'm not.. I just really like lame music like this (no, this is not a video -- it's just the song along with a lame picture of who I assume is IYAZ in the flesh):

SOUND FAMILIAR?!?!

That's because it samples one of my FAVORITE pretty songs of all time, "Again" by Janet. WHAT?!?!?! SO RANDOM! I squealed in surprise. Joyous surprise, of course.

(LOL what is this video?)

Actually I'm pretty sure I'd rather just listen to the Janet song^^ ..but props for having good taste in tunes, IYAZ.

hahahhahaha 2Pac & Janet...

I CAN'T . STOP . WATCHING!

2010-01-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

JFDKLS23FKLSDJKXNV424DSJOIEWPEI432OPASKDLSAKDJKA64LSJEAAA

JACOB BLACK, you kill me. DEAD from arousal. You stud, you.

I especially enjoy that there is no audio, so you can't hear the part where he whispers sweet nothings in "Quileute" before going in for the kill. Boner killer.

Srsly, I'm hypnotized. I think I just swooned at my desk. Replacing KStew's face for mine, of course.

& congrats to Baby Tay-Tay for winning Breakout Actor at the People's Choice Awards!

..Whether or not I agree with the decision has nothing to do with the fact that he still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl fangirl, whether he's in a suit or half-naked.

sugar baby?

2010-01-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

ooooooo-OOOOOOOOOO!!

BAAAALLLINNNNNNN'!!

Thanks for the info, Perez!

Make that scrilla, boyfriend... Then in a month when you're legal (hey HEY hey) & your bank will no longer technically belong to Papa Lautner, we can go engagement ring shopping!

GAGA OO LA LA

2010-01-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

You see it all the time -- kid has big dreams of one day becoming a huge fashion designer... shoots for the stars, misses, maybe tries out for a delayed season of Project Runway... & instead opts for Plan Z & achieves fame via Flickr for designing Barbie clothes. Okay, so that doesn't always happen (hell, I don't know), but hey -- it's 2010. Shit is evolving. If Justin Bieber can become the next preteen wet dream just by posting himself on YouTube, designers can show off doll clothes on Flickr. And in any case, these aren't just any Barbie clothes this dude designs. They're LADY GAGA Barbie clothes!

...AHAHAHHAHAHAHA. The Kermits! The bloody baron lace monstrosity! The... bow-hair crap!

I don't know what's weirder -- the fact that Lady GaGa actually wears these things, or the fact that this dude is trying to make a name for himself online by replicating them at a fraction of the size.

christmas isn't over yet..

2009-12-29T09:07:00.000-08:00

I still don't believe they were ever genuinely dating (c'mon, Taylor&Taylor? publicity stunt much?! & she is taller than him. GROWN.ASS.WOMAN), but honestly -- who am I to rain on the gossip blogs' field day?

"Poetically part"? I don't get it. But if you want some poetry, I'll give you poetry:

IF YOU COULD SEE THAT I'M THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOUUU

BEEN HERE ALL ALONG SO WHY CAN'T YOU SEEEEeeeEEEE

YOU BELONG WITH MEEEeeEEEE, tay-tay

YOU BELONG WITH ME.

...

[evil laugh]

0:)

merry merry merry

2009-12-24T16:10:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, from my favorite Jew kids.

Just kidding, they're not Jewish... which brings me to my next point: how on Earth do you explain those unfortunate Jew fros? I mean, they certainly aren't black. That sucks!

Everyone! --

You can take these presents underneath my treeeee
You can take this AWESOME SCARF MY GRAMMA MADE FOR MEEE
You can take these boxes, tied up with stringgg
'Cause all I want for Christmas is the girl of my dreeeeams!!!

YEAHHHHH KFJkldsjflsjkfljdsfjskljIFDSOFSJFKLSD!

the situation with snookie

2009-12-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

Not like I'm shocked, but last week's SNL spoofed "Jersey Shore" on Weekend Update -- it was actually surprisingly funny (that is, if you're familiar with the embarrassing lameness that is the SNL writers Fail) in a painfully accurate sort of way. Even includes some direct quotes:

On that note, I'm not sure if it's more shameful to admittedly watch SNL or Jersey Shore. I guess the debate is rendered irrelevant if you watch both anyway. [[Okay, false -- I only watch SNL for Baby Tay-Tay, & then last week for my former classmate James Franco.]] But yes, I regularly watch Jersey Shore. You're out of the loop if you don't! & if there's one thing I'm not, it's outta the loop, no matter how many spray-tanned juiced-out Ed Hardy fans I have to subject my eyes to! & while it's obviously racist, it doesn't upset me. What's upsetting is how famous these kids are getting! Totally NOT FAIR! Spoofed on SNL (not like that's an accomplishment anymore), & next I'll bet we'll hear that Snookie is Derek Hough's next partner on Dancing With The Stars!! I'll rue the day that happens, I tell ya! I'll rue it!!

Commendable Video #4: You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

2009-12-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

This is a shout-out way overdue (5 or so months overdue, in fact), & since I've had "Should've Said No" stuck in my head for about 2 weeks straight (mostly due to this video Kristin showed me, & partially due to her guest appearance on the Jonas Bros 3D concert movie which I watched last weekend), I decided it was time I gave her the props I meant to give her about 5 months ago when I first saw this video:

Now forgive me for watching it on mute -- I don't think I've ever experienced a more overplayed song IN MY LIFE.. EVER. I mean, it's on rotation on effing Wild 94.9 for fuck's sake! Not to mention the fact that I'm not a huge fan of her latest album or pop Taylor Swift in general. What happened to the frizzy-haired guitar-strumming country bumpkin?! Where did she go? I loved her! I know it's rare that I prefer the country version of singers -- but that was her whole appeal! Give me more "Picture to Burn," "Our Song," "Should've Said No," & "Teardrops On My Guitar," PLZ. Those were my jams! At least she hasn't outgrown all the sequin dresses though. Then I'd really be sad.

Anyway, on to the video. It is a little babyish for her then-19 years (is this why everyone in the media seems to think she's 17?! SHE IS A GROWN-ASS WOMAN!). It's also totally cliche, unoriginal, & corny as hell. But it made me tear up when I first saw it. IT'S SO EFFING CUTE. Maybe I was on my period or something... but c'mon, it makes you smile. And what can I say? That's creative talent -- to be able to evoke such a reaction from something that's already been done time & time again (& again & again & again). And slightly age-inappropriate as it is, she's a good story teller (plus, the part where she's rockin' out in front of the mirror in different outfits makes me actually lol). She just has that endearing Cinderella quality about her that gives her the ability to force you to like just about anything she touches (well, on mute at least). And again, the teeny-bopper cutesieness is part of her appeal. And as much as I wish she'd go back to her acoustic-y country roots, stop singing about high school, stop hanging out with Baby Tay-Tay (had to throw that in), & didn't sound like a dying cat when she sings live, what she does have is a certain creative spark & the legit musical knowledge a lot of artists lack nowadays.

This is why I actually thought she wouldn't win a VMA for this... you know, because it's actually good. But it did, & of course, not everyone agreed that she totally deserved it. But we all know how that went down.

RIP

2009-12-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

Normally I'm not so big on dwelling on Hollywood tragedies, but Brittany Murphy happens to be a vital character in ~~two~~ three of my favorite movies of all time... so how could I not pay my respects? & quite frankly I'm sick of recent news sources referencing her as the chick from "8 Mile," "Just Married," & "Don't Say A Word." Umm.. HELLO! She has made contributions far more important to the movie world. Granted, they were a long time ago, but timeless and memorable nonetheless.

Of course, Tai from Clueless:

Why should I listen to you? You're a virgin who can't drive.

& the lesser-known but just as epic Lisa Swenson in Drop Dead Gorgeous:

Amber, listen. I'm not going to win. We both know that. Besides, we only need one dancer in our family & Pete has better legs.

(Hey, Amy Adams!)

Oh, & she was the crazy chicken-&-laxatives chick in Girl, Interrupted, another favorite of mine. But... I think I'll keep things light & humorous.

You will live on in my DVD collection! & my Facebook fave movies list!

<333

le sigh

2009-12-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know how Men's Health was able to pick the best pictures out of a roll of such fine-lookin' photos of Baby Tay-Tay for his cover issue... but alas, like in every magazine, some must be left out and thrown to the wayside. As much as I enjoyed opening up my copy & finding a double-page spread of this (na-na na-NA), his feature was a little too wordy & instructional for my taste (ha) & I couldn't help but think: MOAR PLZ. Lucky for us lurkers, you can still find pictures that don't make it into the publications and e-drool over them. Thank god for the internet!

Some Tay-Tay fans (surprise: I'm not the only one!) don't like it when he's not being all smiley sunshine/cutesie/gay, but I think he's way sexier when he's being a Broody McBroodster:

omgah he is so qtttt <333

if only that wasn't your name..

2009-12-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take the time to thank Lisa for introducing me to my new boyfriend, Chester:

Me: i wish his name wasn't chester
Me: but he is HOT
Lisa: umm yeah
Lisa: i knew you would like him
Me: piano songs are my fav pretty songs
Lisa: well and he looks like your type
Lisa: kinda asian
Lisa: but hot
Me: HAHA

What can I say? I'm a sucker for nice arms. & piano rock. & ethnically-ambiguous white boys.

If he looks familiar, apparently you watch Disney 365. Whatever that is. Unfortunately, that's about all I know about him. (*PLEASE BE LEGAL - PLEASE BE LEGAL - PLEASE BE LEGAL*)

I already @replied him on Twitter basically asking him to marry me in the 3rd person, so I'll let you know how that goes.

3some?

2009-12-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

Someone explain to me why this video below does not make me feel an ounce of jealousy (okay, maybe a couple milligrams), yet any mention of the ~~Swift-Lautner~~ Taylors makes me shake with Jacob Black-esque "I'm-about-to-go-werewolf-on-your-ASS" FURY (she is a grown-ass woman, ppl!). Actually, just the prophetic hyphening of their names is pissing me off in a real superstitious sort of way. I'm gonna go cross it out, brb.

Please excuse the French & other foreign/fobby nonsense:

It's okay, I know it's a hard question. But I think I can answer it myself. I am not jealous of Megan Fox laying her lips on my man Shia because she's effing Megan Fox! She like, doesn't even count as a human. In fact, I think I might be more jealous of him. It's like a dude watching his girlfriend make out with another girl -- his brain knows he should be jealous, but he can't help but be seriously aroused. ..Okay, so weird example, but right now my conscience is screamin' "THREESOME!" way louder than it's thinkin' "MURDER."

I realize I'm one of the only females who doesn't think she's a total trashbag (actually, I do think she's a total trashbag -- I just don't mind), but I just love to look at her. I think my lack of jealousy is also due to the fact that she's probably not much more than a good bang (or a lousy one), & how can I blame a guy for wanting a piece of that when I would probably want to share? But ultimately, I think when you're diggin' on someone on the bottom rung of the celebrity stud ladder like Shia LaBeouf (I mean that in the most endearing way possible), you've gotta wave your white flag of surrender as a woman when someone like Megan Fox is down to make out with your man. So the moral of this ridiculous story is: if you're dating me & we're gonna make a list of 5 celebrity cheating exceptions a la "Friends," your card better read as follows:

Megan Fox
Megan Fox
Megan Fox
Megan Fox
Megan Fox

Good fuckin' luck, asshole!

sinterklaas get down

2009-12-13T10:37:00.000-08:00

So, the verdict is in: Baby Tay-Tay was on SNL last night, & he was... okay. The general public opinion is that he was awesome, but I think that's mostly because people haven't stalked him much beyond seeing "New Moon" & didn't know that he's already a goofy/funny dude.. It's not a stretch for him to be silly or make fun himself, so I really wasn't that surprised/impressed to see him really put himself out there & be up for anything. Of course he was going to go all out!! Tay-Tay attacks the shit out of every fucking he does! That kid is intense. But I mean, he didn't even take his shirt off!! Soo....

I was right -- he did bust out his karate moves (& did some cool shit with a bo staff), but no Sharkboy, & no inappropriate sexual references.. unless you count the horrific O-faces he made in the football skit (which I was actually laughing at until it kept going & I started feeling really awkward on his behalf). And while he didn't do much "breakdancing" except for maybe an L-kick here & there, he did have some pretty impressive pelvic thrusts in this Glee-gone-horribly-wrong skit (I think I need to recruit him for my next "Call On Me" performance):

Personally I think the funniest part of that was Andy Samberg's reactions to him ("oh my GOD!"). Most people are talking about the Team Edward/Team Jacob skit, but other than the "If those abs are real, the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar!" line, I wasn't exactly rotfl-ing. I'll admit, I sat through it grinning, but I think it was mostly because I'm totally in love with him & not because I was pleased. I mean, don't get me wrong -- considering what he had to work with, I think he made a commendable effort, but I think it's pretty impossible to be genuinely funny given the epic SNL writing Fail. Good job Tay-Tay.

FINALE WINZ

2009-12-11T00:19:00.000-08:00

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

fdsjhfdjskhfdkshfsdjkfhsdkjfhskjf!!!!!

'Kay, just had to do that so I couldn't say I didn't warn ya.

Now on to the good stuff.

Wednesday was an EPIC night of finales!! Well, just two namely.. but I'm effing excited enough to hold me over until both seasons start up again. Actually, no -- I'm sure it will still be a torturous withdrawal period, no matter how excited I am about THISSSSS:

WINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!!!

& THISSSSS:

EEEEEE HEHEHEHEHE :) :) :)

..Of course I think I'm just about the only person in the world who is excited about Michael's win, as the general "Top Chef"-viewing populace seems to regard him as a grade-A douche and/or an asshat and/or the spawn of Satan, but I am fucking excited. H8 ON H8ERS!!!!!! In fact, I didn't really realize exactly how excited I was until Padma pulled a fake-out on us & made us think Kevin was going to win & my heart literally sank for Michael. But it was just a feint!! Good one, Padma -- you got me!! (Yes, I wrote PREGZ on her^^ .. but I mean, she is).

if i could turn back tiiiime..

2009-12-09T19:25:00.000-08:00

The ultimate Christmas present, aside from the real version of this Chanel fake, would be a TIME MACHINE, so I could go back in time & take latin ballroom dance lessons my entire life so that by now I could DO THIS:

Yes, I would probably have no friends (if I had hypothetically taken said dancing route), but I would look hot! & I might have even been on "Dancing With The Stars" by now! & I would have sexy dances like this in my noggin to bust out in the club with my hot dancer boyfriend (see: Maksim Chmerkovskiy). Friends? Who needs 'em!? I'M HOT Y'ALL.

Though I guess technically Kathryn isn't a ballroom dancer either, but she is amazing (despite her weird crying voice) so I think some lessons should get me on my way! Just a couple, whatevz. Any takers?!

harry potter.. x-rated?!

2009-12-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

So Harry Potter fans (myself included) are jizzing themselves over the latest "Deathly Hallows" preview (thanks Lisa! & Perez..), & I am as excited as a fly on shit, even if my first reaction was a semi-irrelevant wtf are they gonna name the last movie?!

But all misplaced anticipation aside, my coworker Anna just gave me something to really react to (click to read the full article):

"Emma & Daniel to get it on" ?!?!?!

Now as far as I know, "Metro" isn't the most illegitimate of sources (as far as entertainment "news"/speculation/hearsay goes), but... what?!

It's been about two years since I've read Deathly Hallows, so correct me if I'm wrong, but although it is significantly more "adult" than its novel predecessors... there is NO sex! Um, spoiler alert & all, but really -- Ron hallucinates (sort of) an image of Hermoine & Harry kissing (which is the part I assume they're talking about), but there is NO a) nudity, or b) sex!

They mention Harry might be depicted nude when he "sees" Dumbledore -- okay, I mean, interesting interpretation, but I guess it doesn't dramatically alter the nature of the story (as long as they don't actually show anything). I mean, who says you have to be wearing clothes when you're straddling life & death? But a Harry/Hermoine love scene?! That is some left-field kinky shit right there.

Of course, then they sort of discredit themselves by committing a major Fail! They mention a Harry/Hermoine dancing scene that's not part of the book -- but if you watch the video preview, it shows a snippet Harry & Ginny dancing. Whether that means the writer just switched Hermoine & Ginny & are actually reporting a potential Harry/Ginny sex scene (which would be even more random, I think!) or are just completely full of shit & confused as hell, I guess we'll have to wait to uncover.

Maybe this is just another weird quote that got taken out of context & people who didn't read the series are just stupidly believing it because they don't know any better, like when that fawkward "Twilight" actor said the Volturi were going to be portrayed nude in the films (WTF?). But.. even as a Harry Potter fan, I'm kind of falling for it! But I don't know what to do about it! Harry & Hermoine naked?! Getting it on?! What?! Thoughts?

[[Personally, I think reporters shouldn't be allowed to be assigned topics when they have nearly zero familiarity with the fan base or the topic itself. Especially when it's such a huge phenomenon like HP or Twilight & a) millions are familiar with it & will therefore know you are an idiot for messing up, & b) there should be at least one other person in the office who could've written it instead, & c) you can check facts within seconds on Google. TARDS.]]

introducing.. max steel!

2009-12-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure if I was in the security line at LAX & looked to my left to reach for a plastic bin for my laptop or to gaze lovingly at the new Pinkberry and saw THAT^^ in my line of vision, I would FREAK. THE FUCK. OUT. I would probably lapse into a momentary bout of Tourettes & scream out "BOMB" or something completely inappropriate. Or I would just cry.

In all srsnss, Baby Tay-Tay is hosting SNL this weekend! I'm cringing already. But really, maybe --just maybe-- he'll be good. Errr... by "good," I mean not painful to watch, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm expecting a cutesie Taylor Swift shout-out/diss & lots of Sharkboy throwbacks. & probably some sort of MILF/Mrs. Robinson situation starring Kristen Wiig. I will cross my fingers, probably in vain, for some breakdancing moves I know he can bust out but probably won't. If I were to guess, as a host he will fall in line somewhere between Justin Timberlake (attractive & epically funny) and Tom Brady (hot but terrible). If all else fails, I can always watch it on mute & wait for the sexy promo shots they show between commercial breaks.

In related news, apparently Tay-Tay has also just been cast as Max Steel. Since the only boy-friendly children's toys I'm familiar with are Ninja Turtles & Mighty Max, this means nothing to me. But apparently this is pretty BIG. Like supposedly epic in terms of the next superhero movies, but more like the equivalent of the next "Transformers"-type franchise than a comic-based series. Apparently the gist is: teenage boy gets accidental superpowers, gets recruited to fight crime. Original! As long as his powers involve ripping his day-job clothes off to more accurately shoot lasers out of his man-nipples (or something less specific), I'm down. Whether it's going to be awesome like "Spider-Man" or awful like "Speed Racer," who knows; either way I'm jealy of whoever gets to play the damsel in distress! The only for-sure good news is: he will be forced to keep his Jacob Black buff body for the time-being! :D muahahaha.

EPIC FINALE!

2009-12-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry to all y'all who are behind on your "Top Chef" viewing (assuming you watch it to begin with & thus actually care), but I'm too excited about the finale to worry about sparing you from possible spoilers. After last night's first round of the finale (next week is the real finale finale), we have our 3 finalists:

BAAAALLINNNNN'!

..Seriously though, if you didn't watch it, are you SURPRISED or something?!

These 3 are undoubtedly the best final 3 Top Chef has ever seen. EVER. Aside from maybe Top Chef freakin' Masters. In the past, at least one of the finalists seems to have been there out of sheer luck (ahem, *Casey*), or just planted to make things interesting (CARLA, anyone?), & NONE of them have been consistently on top of their game week after week after week like these 3. These guys have been trading off wins every week, save for maybe one misstep each throughout the course of the season. Boasting Michelin Stars and James Beard nominations among other awards under their belts, these guys are the shit.

I honestly have NO IDEA who's going to win, & while I've been completely unsure in seasons past, it's the first time my uncertainty is due to the fact that they all seem like ridiculously killer chefs & not because they're all equally erratic.

If I had to nit-pick for discussion's sake, I'd say Kevin is definitely the fan favorite though his one drawback is that he's been called too "simple." The two Voltaggio brothers have their own minor drawbacks -- Bryan being the "nice" one who [foolishly?] gives crucial cooking tips to his fellow contenders & sometimes can't quite keep up with his own ambitious yet super-creative concepts, while Michael being the "wild card" temperament-wise -- after all, every season is to be edited so as to establish a token asshole (but hey, Hung his season's "bad boy" too, & he took the title..). I think a small part of me is pulling for the latter (& not just because I sorta-kinda want to mother his ginger kids); his food consistently sounds the most exciting to me, though TV audience opinion is always questionable since naturally, I haven't tasted shit.

I think I'm the only one who [just by a miniscule hair] favors Michael, while some might hate his guts, so be nice.. but regardless, I'm curious: thoughts?!

christmas kids.. where are they now?

2009-11-30T10:53:00.000-08:00

As any psychotic Christmas fiend knows, the second that summer is over, it's fair game to start bedazzling your house with string-up lights, blasting *N Sync holiday tunes, & harassing your friends for their wishlists. If you don't believe me, ask the Macy's Christmas store in the damn mall -- they've had their seasons greetings shit rarin' to go since August.

Anyway, since Thanksgiving is over and Christmas legitimately is the next holiday in line, I'm getting in the mood by watching holiday movies... you know, "Jingle All The Way" (a "classic," according to Steve... though he's not really joking), "A Christmas Story," etc. I actually just watched "The Santa Clause" with Lisa this past weekend (or whatever part of it we caught until we got too impatient to actually sit through the ill-placed commercial breaks) & it got us thinking: we know Tim Allen is off somewhere getting ready to relive his Buzz Lightyear days & Judge Reinhold has since popped out a few dozen "Beethoven" sequels, but whatever happened to that cute little kid Charlie?

Whatever happened to all our favorite Christmas movie kids?!

Good news: I'm gonna tell ya.

Since he spurred the whole curiosity in the first place, here's good ol' Charlie. Only now with a lip ring. More officially known as Eric Lloyd. He is not, to my dismay, still a cute little boy.. though I guess I should have known that since my family does own Santa Clause 3. In fact, the kid is a good 4 months older than I am.. yet doesn't have much else besides Christmas movies on his resume. As Lisa pointed out, he looks Zach Nadler. Hey Zach. If you're reading this, is this you?

Since nearly shooting his eye out and double-dog-daring kids to get their tongues ripped off, Peter Billingsley has been in a buttload of things actually, but nothing important enough to change his reputation as the kid in "A Christmas Story." Apparently he also directs, & came out with "Couples Retreat," but I wasn't foolish enough to pay money to see that, so I don't really give a rat's ass. I swear I recently saw a picture of him, but based on this one, he is significantly less Dilbert-like than I expected him to be.

Then we have Macaulay Culkin. I always forget about "Home Alone," but it really has always been one of my favorite movies ever. Everyone remembers how he got married & divorced back when he was 17 or something ridiculous (bleh), & then randomly showed up again in the film world as the wheel chair kid in "Saved!" (that movie is awesome)... but did you know he's been dating Mila Kunis for like 7 years?! Maybe I'm just a total tardlet, but really, this whole time I thought he was just this washed-up loser (okay, maybe that's not completely untrue) who aged extremely awkwardly since his child actor days (that's definitely not untrue)... but at least he's got an attractive lady on his arm. Good job. Oh, & PS: he's almost 30.

Now, I've never actually seen the remake of "Miracle on 34th Street" with Mara Wilson, & I really don't care to, but I just REALLY needed to know what the hell Matilda Wormwood looks like now, so I threw her into the mix. & guess what?! She has fallen off the planet! Apparently she goes to NYU now (she's like 22), but she hasn't done shit in the acting world since this rando loser production of "Cinderella" from like 4 years ago. & she looks the same, as far as I can tell from this lousy picture. NO FUN! In fact, it looks like they took a picture of her off the cover of "Mrs. Doubtfire" & just photoshopped her head onto the body of a Cinderella. Really.. what does she looks like now? I need to hire a PI to get to the bottom of this.

Any other former faves from our childhood Santa-believing days? I thought about including the little alien kid from "Love Actually," but that was only 5 years ago & guess what -- he still looks like an alien.

gone too far?!

2009-11-24T21:11:00.000-08:00

Um. What?

FUCK!!!

Wait -- is this Rolling Stone or Playgirl? Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

I literally smacked my face in embarrassment & closed the browser in a panic when I first saw these pictures. I only just reopened for the sake of composing this miraculously coherent post.

I remember seeing the candids from the set, courtesy of Just Jared, a month or so ago... & I thought: "OH hell yes -- Baby Tay-Tay playing football in a see-through wet t-shirt? Yes, plz!" But I figured it would be just that -- intendedly innocent & jock-like, but just enough for the she-pervs to work with, given the inevitable sight of his 10-pack showing through his shirt & his giant bursting biceps. I did NOT expect something so blatantly erotic like, "oh hai, let me oil myself up like a friggin' Chippendales dancer & lay down with my shirt ripped open with the camera angled up from my crotch" or "oh hai, I don't think you can see my nipples well enough through this wet t-shirt, can you pinch them for me?" Like WTF? This is Tay-Tay purposely working it like a baby prostitute. & quite frankly it makes me uncomfortable.

TAYLOR LAUTNER IS MAKING ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

In fact, this reminds me of the Rolling Stone spread Britney did when she was 16 or 17. People shit frisbees over that, like "OMG WHAT A SLUT." So for the sake of being fair to my own sex, it must be said: BABY TAY-TAY, WHAT A SLUT!! It's early, but let me call it -- once the rest of the pictures come out & they really start circulating, SHIT. WILL HIT. THE FAN.

All gender equality aside, these aren't all the pictures in the series, but they are really effing sexual. THEY ARE TOO SEXUAL. It is really disturbing me. I mean, WOW, but... no! He is getting naked & undressing me with his eyes! We aren't tight like that yet, Baby Tay-Tay! He might as well be giving me a lap dance to "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer, swinging his tasseled man thong in my face! It's just too much! I don't know whether to be aroused or reach for my rape whistle! Right now I'm going for the former.. but I'm really straddling the line, let me tell you.

I guess I've officially had a taste of my own medicine. Well played, Tay-Tay. That being said, I will definitely be buying this issue come February.

& in conclusion...

2009-11-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

I feel obligated to give a full once-over of my midnight "New Moon" experience from last week, given my months & months of blogged anticipation...

But due to said months & months of blogging... I regret to inform everyone that I, despite my predictions, did not melt out of my seat, or die, or have a heart attack, or jump into the aisle & start bowing to the Quileute spirits for inspiring the hot-ass piece of fictional man-meat that is Jacob Black. Like so:

Yeah I didn't do that. Not because it was bad or anything.. in comparison to "Twilight," that is. HA! Vast improvement. Bravo, I guess. Sort of.

Okay, so here's the thing: I did curl my knees up to my chest a few times (THE CAR STEAMINESS!!) & I did slap my hands over my eyes a couple of times (THEIR LIPS ACTUALLY TOUCH DURING THE ALMOST-KISS!! GAHH!!!!) ..but as for everything else? I've pretty much already posted it. Here in my blog. I totally ruined the whole thing for myself. I was desensitized! Almost completely!! I mean, I guess that's good as a blogger.. you know, being on top of things... & as a stalker. But I totally did not entertain any of the people interested in seeing my loser fangirl reactions to the movie. I mean, his body is crazy... & he is a hot-ass Jacob Black (once he loses the wig & the gayness), but... nothing I haven't already jizzed over.

Well, at least this was a surprise:

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Golden. Screenwriting win, Melissa Rosenberg. Wait, you were trying to be funny, right?

awww babyyyy

2009-11-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

So Monday night was the New Moon premiere in Westwood (if I were still an enrolled Bruin, that would be one of the few red carpet events I actually wouldn't dare try to stake out at Starbucks for once) -- & it was also Baby Tay-Tay's appearance on Jay Leno!
The first half was pretty effing redundant, in the sense that the interview is taken from the perspective of someone who acts like they've never heard of the kid before -- Jay brings up everything all reporters always bring up, ie: "Wow you're buffer than you used to be," "Wow did someone's mom really ask you to sign their thong?" "Oh, you used to play football? Who's your fave player?" (Brett Favre, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice), & "Wow you used to be a martial arts champ?" yadda-yadda up the ass.
But then he tells Tay that in order to get his "plug" shown, aka the hot-ass bedroom scene clip, he has to work for it:

Hahaha.. Wow. Kid in a candy store forreal. He's suuuuch a cute kid, with all the exuberance of a teenage boy getting to play catch with his idol, but I really can't watch him be himself for more than a couple minutes. Totally drains the mood. Kills my girlie-boner. I just wanna take him to Discovery Zone & watch him go apeshit, & then take him home to swaddle him in his Spider-Man sheets & sing him a lullaby.

Srsly though, he's like two different people. Baby Tay-Tay the teen, & Baby Tay-Tay the top model. The hot-ass piece of man meat. I'm amazed that someone so dorky (& *cough*gay*cough*) & baby in real life transforms into this & this in pictures. GAH! My VAGINA IS SO CONFUSED.

Oh, & that cocky half-smile he gives KStew when he lands in her room in the New Moon clip? UGH. Girlie-boner is back. He is so Jacob Black. It's magic.

"our guide to having a shitty yet successful reputation"

2009-11-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

O hai!

This shit (disguised as a "book") was just released & it's already on the sale racks at Barnes & Noble.

"Our guide to looking the part, playing the press, & becoming a tabloid fixture." Oh, great!

You mean looking like this part?

You mean playing the press like this?

You mean becoming a very tiny miniscule fixture on this tabloid?

Sure, I'll hand it to you -- y'all are remarkably famous for a couple of tardlets, but I don't want to be on Dancing With The Stars that badly.

wtf mate

2009-11-16T11:04:00.000-08:00

Mattel presents... TA-DA! Guess who?

WTF.

What's with the legs? He looks like a fuckin' emu. I'm pretty sure I could've made a better likeness myself.. out of a pile of mashed potatoes. While drunk. With my eyes closed.

..So if we're keeping track, this one is infinitely less accurate than the one at Comic-Con, about equally shitty as the fore-mentioned Princess Jasmine variety, yet significantly better than this dog toy.

>> EDIT: See -- he hates it too!

"Oh MY."

interesting....

2009-11-13T11:47:00.001-08:00

Last night I had a dream about Derek Hough. As in, the pro from "Dancing With The Stars." As in, the small blonde Mormon one. As in, Julianne Hough's brother. As in, the one that magically always gets partnered up with the supermodels (Brooke Burke, Joanna Krupa, Lil Kim-HA!). As in, the one who dated his former partner Shannon Elizabeth -- who is 12 years older than him, which I think pretty much knocks my obsession with Baby Tay-Tay out of the PARK! Anyway, yeah I had a dream about him... I don't really remember deets, & I'm pretty sure it wasn't sexual (eww weird!!), but it just reminded me that I never brought up the Ballas Hough Band performance on DWTS from a couple weeks ago. & I think it's definitely worthy of a mention.

I knew Derek and Mark Ballas (the other youngest pro guy on the show, who has won with Kristi Yamaguchi & Shawn Johnson--EEEE Team Shark!) had their own "band" just because I stumbled upon a picture of them at an event while searching through our company's celebrity photo licensing site.. & I was like what the fuck is the Ballas Hough Band? What the hell? So naturally, I asked Kester, my personal Ryan Seacrest, & he's like oh yeah -- they have their own band, didn't you know that? & I was like WTF? So I talked to my mom (my 2nd source for all things celebrity and tabloid-related) & she confirmed that YES - they have a band, duh! & they perform every week in the courtyard at the Grove shopping center in LA. Like street performing for tips? I don't know. Whatever. So I kind of assumed they were like.. an acoustic-pop, Evan & Jaron (remember them?!) sort of guitar-strumming duo who just realized they both liked to tickle the strings during long days at DWTS rehearsal.

But no. I was way wrong, apparently, according to their performance on the results show last week, which was the first time I had ever actually heard/seen them:

The first thing I noticed was: WOW they are both wearing hot-ass pairs of Creative Recs!! OMG. Love you guys!!

But then I was like... wait. What the hell is this? Is this the BALLAS HOUGH BAND?! IN THE FLESH!!?!? So I rewound my TiVo & was like... Oh dear lord in heaven, WTF. So then I actually paid attention.

I really thought Mark was kidding in the beginning with that tranny-looking girl.

Then I realized they were serious. About all of it.

So I suppressed my giggles & then I was like... WOW this dancing is really good! They are really good dancers! But then I remembered -- oh yeah, they are dancers. That is what they are. They are not Evan & Jaron guitar-strumming crooners.

But overall I'm puzzled. Stumped, even. Is anyone else? I guess I just didn't expect them to be like.. a 2-person boy-band complete with auto-tuned lyrics and scantily-clad video ho back-up dancers. I'm trying to remember exactly who they remind me of. Something is niggling in the back of my mind saying that it's these guys, but I don't think that's it. There's someone else they remind me sooo much of. Something techno-ish & really corny... Any ideas?

It's not Savage Garden, either, even though the Ballas Hough Band logo does provide a striking resemblance:

..Yes, that is the first thing I thought of when I visited their website.

what? i read men's health all the time.. totes

2009-11-12T10:56:00.000-08:00

So... on a scale from 1-10, when I approach the Walgreens check-out counter with a pack of gummy bears & this issue, how obvious do you think it's going to be that I'm not buying it for reasons other than fueling my erotic daydreams of his healthy man body?

JKFDLSJFKLNVHJKDHFOISEURIEOSLMVDF

What a beautiful man ... child.

Um I like how the headline text that actually pertains to him is too small to even read, all scrunched in the right bottom corner. Fortunately, for the sake of selling this magazine, he really could apply to just about every headline that's been shoved onto this cover -- ie: "SIX-PACK ABS" (err, more like 10-pack! nahNAH nahNAH), "WHAT SEXY WOMEN LOVE," and he could probably also lead by example on how to "DRESS FOR MORE SEX"... but that one would be fucked up. Way to exploit my Baby Tay-Tay to sell your mag. I'm fallin' for it.

Oh, & I'll also be looking out for the newest New Moon-infested issue of Entertainment Weekly, which comes complete with this picture right hurrrr:

Um.. HELLOOOOO new fave pic of Baby Tay-Tay!

*THUD*

holy gaga

2009-11-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

I have my own qualms with the song itself, but..

O. M. G.

Among the vast multitude (endless, really) of possible reactions to this video, this is what it comes down to:

Lisanne: "Ew, her eyes!!"

Me: "What the fuck, polar bear coaaaat."

Anna: "She's wearing the McQueen shoes. & SHE'S WALKING IN THEM!!!!!!"

Ida: "Oh yeah, I've already seen that. She is nuts. & I love it."

is this what 17 looks like?!

2009-11-09T14:32:00.000-08:00

My coworker Ida flipped open the latest issue of In Touch (research, duh) & started laughing at this:

...I'm sayin', bro! Fake birth certificate much?! I'm glad someone's on my page! ..& if that "page" happens to be a spread of a trashy tabloid mag, so be it!

PS: Got my Nordstrom BP sneak preview ticket for the night before New Moon opens (barf! but also yay! *giggle*snort*). Complete with a cream-filled Edward Cullen chocolate bar. Barf for realz.

calling all twi-moms!

2009-11-05T00:13:00.000-08:00

So in the midst of my Hills watching (shame on me, I know), I stopped fast-forwarding through commercials when I encountered what I thought was a new Edward-based New Moon trailer:

But I was wrong.

IT'S A VOLVO COMMERCIAL.

& their new tagline?

WHAT DRIVES EDWARD. DOT COM:

I know, I can't believe they're forreal either. Like, seriously? What is their demographic here? TWI-MOMS, that's who. It's the only option. I mean, because preteen Twilighters (& teens.. & those in their 20s...) don't fucking buy Volvos. & normal soccer moms with lives don't get off by raiding their children's bookshelves. So obviously advertising execs have finally decided to tap into the Twi-Moms gold mine & make some money off their sorry asses. TWI-MOMS. You know, Twilight Moms -- it's a real fan base. The same fan base that spawns middle-aged women who sign their thongs & throw them at MY Baby Tay-Tay. Well, great, now you ladies can stop scaring the living shit out of him & instead live vicariously through the make-believe 17-year-olds by buying a brand new boring-ass Volvo that's only cool because it's WHAT DRIVES EDWARD.

BTW, it's supposed to be a SILVER volvo, you twi-tards.

my heart went knock, knock

2009-11-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite song:

My sound is off, so I can't tell exactly how retarded the video is... but srsly, I love this little dude. I be blastin' that shit in my car every time it comes on 92.7 (though I'm still mourning the death of Energy). He's like 15 or some shit so I don't know what he's talking about finding his one true love for, but he's got that Jesse McCartney flava (circa his "Beautiful Soul" days) that I'm diggin'. Not as a joke -- fo realz! I LOVE ME SOME JESSE MAC. & now Justin Bieber too.

oh, go cry about it..

2009-10-28T10:20:00.001-07:00

Oh, geez...

First of all, we totally didn't have this separate "Hollywood Crush" blog when I worked at MTV (though I guess I've already made my sufficient impact on the Twilight world), but I'm thinkin' I would have excelled in the field.

Secondly, it's okay Tay-Tay. We know you're not just a body. You're also a really nicely-coiffed hairdo. & pretty lips. & a cute butt-chin. & an overall nice head when you're not making your gay face. Just kidding -- I'm sure you're a real swell guy, too. Just don't take such a visual gift away from us, just when you're verging on becoming a legal man! Am I being punished for my naughtiness ? :( This is worse than jail!

Whatever, I can still see your rippling biceps even through your clothes. YOU CAN'T STOP THE POWER OF IMAGINATION. Just ask Selena & the rest of her old Barney coworkers.

yet again

2009-10-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

WADE ROBSON IS GOD.

..Well, except for that whack baby fox routine from 3 seasons ago...

maybe i'm just crazy...

2009-10-26T15:41:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I assaulted your adult eyes with baby-smut. So in honor of pedophilia (KIDDING, so kidding, omg), here's some more Tay-Tay lovin'. & instead of sharing the girlie-boner factory that is the upcoming Rolling Stone spread (we'll wait till those pics actually surface. GAH), here are some of his semi-recent GQ pics (he's a GQ man!) I actually found a couple weeks ago:

& the rest are here...

Why didn't I post them earlier in my usual rage of predatory hormones? 'Cause honestlyyyy, I'm not really a fan. I know, I know, it's crazy... but I don't know! They kind of have that uneasy American Apparel-esque amateur porn look to them... you know what I mean? Don't they?! Usually I look at professional pics of him & I just think: They faked your birth certificate -- they just HAD to! But these... ehhh. I like the few I posted above^^, mainly the one in the dark shirt (do me), but the rest on the actual GQ site I'm just not feeling so much. I don't know if it's the lighting or the super HiDef-ness of his teenage whiskers growing in, but the pics are... kind of gross! Like... Oh. You are a child, aren't you? Yikes. Okayyy, well.. sorry about that, kid. I guess I'll stop licking your picture now... Stay in school! Don't do drugs!

Or I'll just go back to licking this picture instead.

As for all this Taylor Swift nonsense.. if it's true, I hope she goes to jail. Can't wait to hear the new Christmas CD you write while in the slammer! & you can forget almost-converting me to country music!

umm.. douche much?

2009-10-21T16:05:00.001-07:00

The very essence of "The Hills" already confuses the hell out of me, but like most pathetic reality shows, I compulsively watch it anyway. TiVo it, even. But what boggles me further is Justin Bobby. Justin Bobby the persona, Justin Bobby the name, Justin Bobby the entity. I know that plenty of ladies find him extremely hot (yes, aside from droopy-eyed Audrina & most recently, man-voiced Kristin Cavallari), claiming that it's his rugged "bad-boyness" that makes him attractive. Okayyyyy... but that doesn't change the fact that he looks like a homeless dude. That doesn't change the fact that he wears combat boots to the beach. That doesn't change the fact that he has creepy beady eyes and grease mop hair. THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT HE NOW HAS THE DOUCHIEST TATTOO KNOWN TO MAN:

Seriously? Seriously. I mean, I'm all about Italian pride & World Cup victories & hey, I've even joked that "guido" is kind of my type... but you are one Italian flag tattoo short of being the most obnoxious tool I've ever watched on TV. & that's saying a lot, my friend. & he's not even a nice guy!!

my excitement cannot be contained!

2009-10-16T10:57:00.001-07:00

Okay, now I'm starting to get freaked out. As if I didn't already think Glee was the best thing to happen to TV since... the invention of TV, the show can also read minds. Mine.

Who knew that my obsession with musical theater and my love of old school hip hop would somehow be combined?!?! In the most awesome way possible.

First a Nelly tribute, now a "Bust a Move" number?!

Mr. Schuester can do alpha kicks?!?! I sure could have used him in my 2003 Carlmont dance show routine.

Timeless Video Trend #2: Monsters

2009-10-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

While Michael Jackson's "Thriller" undoubtedly started it all -- & continues to top the rest -- monsters seem to be a recurring theme in music videos. Even accompanied with songs that have nothing to do with zombies or vampires or scariness in general (unless you're frightened by Nick Carter asking if you think he's sexual whilst feeling himself up.. in which case, it totally fits the bill). But why? What makes an artist, director, story board artist, or who-the-fuck-ever decide that monsters are the way to go? Who says "I think this lively party song would be best visually represented by death"..?? Is it just an attempt to be original (which is pretty hard when you're inevitably compared to "Thriller," the most legendary music movie known to man) or have a memorable theme, or is there just something undeniably musical about the undead?

While this complete irrelevance with the song would normally bother me when it comes to music video concepts, when done right -- either purposely kitschy or actually taken seriously with some ridiculously amazing choreo -- monster-themed videos can actually be pretty tight. Or fierce. Or just so ridiculous they verge on awesome. Here I pay homage to some of the many notable monster-themed videos.

1. Everybody (Backstreet's Back) - Backstreet Boys

Man, these were my boys back in the day. I remember tape-recording all their songs from the radio, graffitiing "I LUV NICK CARTER" all over people's Sanrio friendship files in middle school, collecting all those creepy posters from the latest issue of Tiger Beat. But even if you weren't an avid BSB follower, you have to admit -- you can't listen to this song without doing the "rock your bodaaayyy" dance movies at least in your head. And that, my friends, is the sign of a successful video. These guys were such bros, too. 90's bros at that. "Aw man I gots ta sleep in dis mansion, yo?" & just in case you were wondering: yes, this is the same mansion that's in "Casper," yes, that's Josie Maran, & yes, Kevin could have been something much more creative than a "two-face." I mean, c'mon dude -- werewolf, vampire, mummy, Phantom of the Opera (wtf?!), and a two-face? What is that? AJ has an excuse for his dumb idea because he was on drugs, but a "two-face" isn't even a real monster. Someone ran out of ideas.

2. Wall To Wall - Chris Brown

Blinged-out fang grill? Check. Crumping kids? Check. Strangely fake-looking Twilight-esque flying special effects? Unfortunate check. Not everything needs to really make sense in a Chris Brown video, or in his life for that matter. As long as he dances, everything just seems to work out somehow. In fact, I used to wish I was Chris Brown.. until, well, shit went down. He just exudes (er, exuded) this undeniable "I am the coolest" vibe. An "I am going to magically stick to this wall and dance on it" aura. A "this video doesn't make sense but don't you wish you had moves like this?" ability to pull everything off. And the vampire element? So random.. but somehow you have to agree that if it was just a regular mansion, if she was just a regular video ho, & if they were just regular dancers instead of vampire ones, it would have significantly decreased the level of badassness for the entire video. Shit, I can't explain it either. But it works.

3. Disturbia - Rihanna

I probably should have warned you of a couple things before you watched the vid: a) it is not the Doglover version, & b) the video is actually pretty scary. I guess this is an example of a creepy video that actually fits the song. Disturbia, indeed. I mean, the crazy mannequin lover, the bird lady, the spastic spider woman... How the hell is it that Rihanna can dress up and act like the creepiest, ugliest things imaginable.. & still look hot? Like she looks like she's decked out for a spread in W Magazine or some other high-fashion mag that digs creepster sets. And she's not afraid to be weird as shit too -- she freakin' goes for it. She's not trying to look sexy & pretty in the midst of a really horrific set -- she is creepin' me out, doing the concept some serious justice, & looking ridiculously fierce. HOW DO YOU DO IT, Rihanna? SHOW ME YOUR WAYS. I'd say I'd try to be her for Halloween... but like my coworker pointed out, unless you're actually black, you're more likely to end up looking like Lady GaGa.

Any other monster-themed favorites you'd like to add? No, "Monster Mash" & any other blatantly Halloweenie videos do not count.

just in case you're hittin' up a Hot Topic soon

2009-10-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well, you know what they say:

"Creepers, they gon' creep,

& lurkers, they wanna lurk."

I guess this is pretty accurate of book-Jacob -- I mean, honestly, who liked him the first time they read "New Moon"..? Super clingy, aggressive, annoying, lurk-status... like "get the FUCK AWAY cockblocker, is CEDWARD COMING BACK YET?!" & then of course, you finally come to your senses (well, at least, some of us do) in the next book once he's crippled in bed & can't creep no mo' & you kinda realize, hey, you sort of missed the stalker kid. Plus, he's got a serious 10-pack, among other supernaturally arousing qualities, & he makes you laugh & doesn't want to drink your blood, so really -- how were you so crazy before to not want him showing up at your house unannounced & peering at you through his shanty-house window & awkwardly putting his arm around you at inappropriate times?!

..Still doesn't explain why you'd want this shirt.

so long, farewell..

2009-10-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

It's relatively old news, but since pretty much every show that aired last week is still stacked up on my TiVo unwatched, I hadn't been clued in on the tragic DWTS results (it hadn't even been ruined for me either!) until I finally got impatient & just put myself out of my misery & googled the elimination:

..Yeah, yeah. It's no surprise, but I'm still kinda bummed. Debi didn't even suck that bad -- she actually had some promise. She's just.. well, kinda washed up. & no one wanted to vote for her ass. & she looked creepily cartoonish in those outfits, what with her skeletal figure, bug eyes, & clown boobs.

What I really wanna know is: when is Maks gonna catch a break?! I mean, I've only been watching DWTS for three seasons now, but each time he seems to get stuck with someone who's a clear "you don't have a shot in hell" partner... or someone who gets injured. Do they do it on purpose because he's the token asshole & they don't want to expose a possible winner to his type of abuse for the entire duration of the season? Or are they still not finished punishing him for making all his past (& current) partners cry after already putting him on probation for a season or two? I mean, he hasn't had someone with a decent level of coordination since Scary Spice. Emphasis on "decent."

Either way, sucks for Debz because now she's on her way back to nowhere, sucks for me because now I gotta wait until March or some shit to watch him go all bossy and sexy and alpha-male on his next partner's ass, & definitely sucks for him because he's got some damn good choreo (when he actually gets a partner who can dance it) & now all he has to do is chill on the sidelines & watch his ex take the trophy with Aaron freakin' Carter. Well, Maks, since you're not doing anything, feel free to mourn your elimination & brood over your brutal break-up... in my bed.

HAHA. Okay, so that's a little creepy, even for me. Whatever, at least this dude is pushing 30, not 18. & trust me -- it's less creepy with my face on it than it is with Karina's.

italians do it better

2009-10-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Umm.. Top Model much?

I know it's meant to be all artsy & Italian Vogue-y & whatnot, but I can't help but laugh at the second one. Sure, we know he's the next karate kid & shit, but.. what?! That is all kinds of fancy. However, he's really wet. I like.

As for the first one?

...that's all I can say.

Oh, PS: I did not actually get the pics from "Taylor Lautner Source." I don't even know what that is. SRSLY! Okay, I've heard of it.. but I am NOT a frequent visitor. Or a member.

welcome

2009-10-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

Good news: Alex Meraz, aka Paul from "New Moon," has a Twitter account. AND HE WANTS US TO KNOW HE'S LEGIT. Emphasis on LEGIT:

See? Lookin' super legit. And... kinda average/bordering on creepster-looking. Well, I'm a little disappointed! I mean, I'm not saying I'd "NEXT" his ass straight out the bus or nothin'.. but I'm kinda bored! Not gonna lie. I mean, he's like my Jacob away from jail, seeing that he is a nice healthy 24 years of age. But he's also married.. to an Asian. With a kid. Ugh. Can't win with these wolf boys. & quite frankly I think I'd rather be a cradle robber than a home-wrecker. Just thinking of my pros & cons over here.

Not sayin' I'm not looking forward to a little Jacob-Paul feuding/half-naked wrestling... but somehow the magic's just gone without the low-slung khaki cut-offs. I mean, bring out that webcam shot if you really wanna be legit.

why i can't stand tyce diorio

2009-10-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

The 6th season of "So You Think You Can Dance" is in full effect -- & what makes this one special? Well, it's the first time they've aired it in the FALL, instead of keeping it a summer-only, once-a-year type deal. So in other words, the last season just wrapped about 2 months ago... & it's already back on. Joy, right?

Well, for any reality show addict like myself, this should be good news. However, the past few seasons, the judges (& HOST! UGH) have just about rubbed my nerves raw with their erratic, idiotic, condescending & overall British behavior (okay, so only Cat & Nigel are British, but still)... & all in all, I think I liked SYTYCD back when I had a year to give me a chance to actually start missing it. Plus, in their attempt to keep things rolling & fill out an entire extra season, you can tell that their material is being stretched a little thinner than it should be (um, Tabitha & Napoleon's PREGNANCY hip-hop dance?)... so is it even really worth it to watch it for the routines anymore? Quality > quantity. Thanks.

Here's an example of why I literally see RED when I'm watching the show: Tyce Diorio. Great jazz & show jazz choreographer, most of the time, but since WHEN is he such a neck-snapping diva? Since WHEN is it okay to impersonate someone's black mama.. to their face?

Go ahead & fast-forward until the critique -- the dancing wasn't exciting. YAWN.

Seriously, Tyce? Are you drunk? Or just purposely trying to sabotage your own likability?

Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!!!!!!! Since fucking WHEN do they tell dancers to show every style they can do? Since when is it a good idea to sacrifice the integrity of the style of your expertise by throwing in some irrelevant technique just for the sake of showing off? Since when do they not FORCE multi-trained dancers to put themselves in a single rigid category for the sake of making the show "interesting"..?!?! I mean, is Tyce honestly trying to say that he thinks this "K-Bez" dude should have thrown in some haphazard thrashing & like 4 off-balanced pirouettes into a collapse onto the floor into that freestyle of his? I mean, isn't that like SYTYCD BLASPHEMY or something?! That goes against all the carefully scripted, biased, & rigged rules that the show is based on! Wouldn't they have flogged him & said "YOU'RE A HIP HOP DANCER. YOU NEED TO STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF, SO IT LOOKS MORE DRAMATIC WHEN WE MAKE YOU DO BALLROOM SHIT ON THE SHOW & PUT YOU 'OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT.'"

Thirdly, since none of the judges ever know anything about hip-hop, unless there's a guest judge like Tab&Napoleon or Lil C (but he's another fucking story), they really should just say "Whoa, that squiggly thing you did was tight" or "Looks good to me!" or "I wasn't that impressed, but what the fuck do I know? Try again next year." Stop talking out of your ass & ruining this guy's whole perception of his talent for no good reason other than sounding like faulty judges.

SINCE FUCKING WHEN DO THEY ASK CONTEMPORARY DANCERS TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEIR SPASTIC, EPILEPTIC SEIZURE-LIKE ROUTINES?! EVER?!??! BIASED MUCH, YOU DANCE STUDIO LEECHES?!?!

& after all that.. the conclusion was that he LIKED IT. HIS ANSWER WAS "YES" ?!?!?

I hate this show. Flip me over, I'm done.

SO CLOSE.

2009-10-04T01:36:00.001-07:00

GAH!

JDKLJSKLJDZXCNJSDLASJDKLJAKJASJ

Knock Knock

Who's There?

INTERRUPTING EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN oN THE PHONE

EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN WHO?!?!??!

..That's what I THOUGHT.

Good night.

PS: BICEPPPP

Conversations With Creepers, Round 6

2009-10-03T01:06:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy, at my expense.. Or, at "stranger's" expense, more accurately:

stranger: HEY

me: hi

stranger: HELLO

stranger: U HOT

me: ..thanks

stranger: me too

stranger: so wat ru doin now

me: working

stranger: with

me: what..?

stranger: on wat ru working

me: my job

stranger: whr ru?

stranger: wat job

me: i work for a fashion website

stranger: oh grt....

stranger: nice to meet u

stranger: so wat type of news u like

stranger: so hwz the day

me: wtf?

stranger: wat is tat mean

me: bye

stranger: y?

stranger: cant u chat

me: nope

stranger: sorry

stranger: y can i know

me: i can't understand you

me: bye

stranger: am sorry for that

stranger: i waz bit tired tats y

stranger: so wats ur name

me: i still can't understand you

me: you are a horrible typist

stranger: me

stranger: y u think so

stranger: so talk

stranger: ill answer u

stranger: so that i can understand ur view atleast

me: what..?

stranger: k

stranger: ask what do u want

stranger: to ask

me: you don't make sense

me: do you speak english?

stranger: hum...

me: i'm gonna take that as a no

stranger: hum....

stranger: kk

stranger: i think am not clever as you in english

me: i think that's a fair assessment

me: if not a gross understatement

stranger: ha ha

me: do you think this is a joke?

stranger: so where are u from

me: california

stranger: kk

stranger: am from UK

me: "am from" ..?

stranger: what is your name

me: alex

stranger: cute n short

me: ew

stranger: so wat are ur hobbies

me: i'm bored of you

stranger: hum....

stranger: so wat u like

me: what are you humming?

stranger: u got cam

me: i asked you a question.

stranger: am just checking the emails

me: ..that is not what i asked

stranger: ten wat u asked

me: i asked what you are a humming.

me: you keep saying that you're humming

me: so what is it?

stranger: to be frank i didnt get you

me: ah

me: & therein lies the problem

stranger: haaa

me: oh. you understood that?

stranger: yup

me: so do you speak english or not?

stranger: ya

me: so why don't you know what humming means?

stranger: i think ur chatn with me in english ya

me: i assure you that i am. so what's the problem?

stranger: thr are lots of meanings

me: no.

stranger: there are

me: give me one of them.

stranger: so wat is the meaning u think of

me: nice try, homeboy -- i asked you first

stranger: k

stranger: it mean

stranger: a continous speech

stranger: r singing slowly n fluently

stranger: n more

stranger: depends on the situation

stranger: k

me: wow, you can't even copy out of the dictionary in english.

stranger: excuise me

me: i think you're over your head

me: can't you just agree that this isn't going to work?

stranger: hum..

me: there you go again

stranger: y

me: why what?

me: i don't know why you're humming this nameless melody

me: or why you can't identify it

me: i don't know why you do many of the things you do

stranger: offo

me: like try to talk to people in english when you have clearly not yet mastered the language

me: & frankly never will, if i were to predict the future

stranger: future

me: ......

stranger: am frankly obeying

stranger: that am never good in english

stranger: but am k

me: that's not what obeying means, but nice try

me: i think i grasped the concept, as poorly worded as it was

stranger: ife is atry

stranger: n we need too

me: life is a try?

me: and we need to.....

stranger: ya

me: we need to do what?

stranger: anything we can

stranger: and possible

me: to try.... life?

stranger: no

stranger: not to try life

me: oh, silly me

stranger: to try things

stranger: to about them more

stranger: n more

me: life is a try and we need to do anything we can -- and possible -- to try things 'n more

me: wise parting words indeed.

stranger: hum..

stranger: ur very good in english

me: yes.

stranger: are u english teacher

me: no, i am an english speaker.

me: from america.

me: who speaks english.

stranger: ha ha

stranger: grt

me: i'm done with you now

me: good day.

stranger: wat

stranger: u cant

stranger: leave in middle

me: oh no, this is the end, my friend

stranger: there will be no end for freind ship

me: the middle was back when you couldn't tell me what song you were humming. i knew even before then that this was a lost cause.

me: good luck on this ship you speak of

stranger: y dont u teach me

me: teach you what?

stranger: your us english

me: why on earth would i want to spend my time doing that?

stranger: bit by bit

stranger: not spend juzz spare

stranger: some time

me: what's a juzz?

stranger: just**

me: no thanks

me: that doesn't sound like something i'm going to do at all

me: goodbye now

stranger: ha ha

stranger: ur stuborn

me: this is not a joke

me: i'd like you to go away

stranger: ofcourse

me: byebye

stranger: u

stranger: cant!

stranger: shall i ask u some thing before leaving

stranger: wat is ur age

me: 23

stranger: okkk

stranger: there u are

stranger: so u hadsex anytime

me: i'm reporting you to the authorities

stranger: i asked u casually

stranger: leave it

me: it's too late

me: i don't tolerate sexual harassment

me: i already told you to go away & you won't

stranger: k

There's nothing like a good sexual harassment lawsuit threat to make the creeper foreign guys jump ship. Tip from & to the wise.

sexual heeealing

2009-10-01T23:22:00.001-07:00

It's been an unacceptably long time since I updated -- I know, I should be dragged out to the street & pelted with stones. But since I am freakishly strong & too fat to be carried from my bed for such a punishment to be possible, instead I offer a truce -- More never-before-seen Baby Tay Tay pics from "New Moon" !! For people who haven't read the book, don't remember what parts of the book the pics are from, or just like to pretend "New Moon" never happened because they can't stand the absence of stupid Cedward, I have provided captions. For clarification purposes, of course.

I'm sorry, they are of very poor quality. I stole them from some total loserrrrr who scanned them from the super loser-ish "movie companion" book & individually posted them online. SOOOO loser-ish! OKAY SO HERE THEY ARE, OMGz:

1. Taycob rescues Bella from dangerous choppy waters & plops her on the sand like a drowned rat because she's a SELFISH PSYCHO BITCH. & then he hovers over her very suggestively... with wet clingy sweatpants.. & strategically obstructs our view of his package with his bulging bicep. Well played, child.

2. Man-voiced Bella & Taycob almost make out in the car. ...WAIT WHAT?! WHAT???? Another almost-kiss?? This must be after he rescues her & she's like "omgz, my hero.. he is kinda qT, could be funsies?" AhHHH!! This previous pic was steamy enough for me -- I had no idea they were gonna throw the sexual tension out the window & start blue-ballin' me over here. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE? Is there going to be a secret porn scene I'm unaware of?

3. Jacob feels bad for being a douche to Bella earlier & doesn't want to be an asshole like Cedward, so he gives her a belated b-day present by jumping in through her window sans shirt (excuse me, but how does she not just collapse on top of his lap when he's sitting in front of her like that?). Sometimes I hear noises out my own window & think "what would I do if Jacob just climbed through this very window at this very moment?" Because I mean, obvi hypothetically I think that would be AWWSUUMMM... but srsly, IRL (in real life) I think I'd scream bloody murder like WTF?!??! & reach for my rape whistle. But I'm willing to take that chance.

4. What I wake up to every morning.

..HAHA. No, I don't know.. Jacob sleeping, obvi? I don't exactly remember when in the book Bella lurks in on him while he's sleeping (does she?), but don't you just want to crawl underneath that bicep & spoon for days on end? Or fork? Let's think about the Jacob-sneaking-through-my-window situation in reverse. What do you think he'd do if he woke up to me trying to unsuccessfully squeeze myself through his arm hole? Rape whistle? Again, willing to take that chance.

& finally:

5. The REST of the Jacob-goes-EMO-in-the-rain photo we saw before.. aka the Jacob-just-cut-his-mullet-cuz-he-just-found-out-he's-a-werewolf-and-is-a-douche-to-Bella-cuz-she-deserves-it scene. AHHHH. Don't cry, Baby Tay-Tay. She's not worth it. & you're wet. & slippery. We should get you out of those pants.

Happy ogling.

DWTS is back at last!

2009-09-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, we're still in the midst of the "Dancing With The Stars" season 9 premiere (double elimination tonight!), so of course I felt I had to throw in my 2 cents (or 20). They did things a little differently this time around (is it just me or are there usually not this many contestants?!) by splitting up the first week's performances in half -- the men/boys performed on Monday night; the ladies went on Tuesday. This sounds like a good idea in theory (the 2-hour premieres where they pack in all of the early contestants is always pretty long & overwhelming), but it really was just TWO two-hour premieres that were beefed up to just be double the longness & overwhelmingness. They even threw in 2 group dances into each episode, or rather "relays," where each couple competed against the other pairs in their own group for the highest amount of points. Different...

Also, the "star quality" of the stars is significantly subpar in comparison to past seasons. Which is really pathetic. You know your cast of celebrities is hugely disappointing when two of them have "Beethoven's 2nd" as one of their biggest claims to fame. Seriously though. Ashley Hamilton & Debbie Mazar. Check it out.

So, the front-runners so far? Aaron freakin' Carter! Who knew?? I totally thought he was going to be a douchey white boy wanksta kid ("it's hard havin' such a hottie for a teacher! whaaaat")... & he IS. BUT, when he gets on the floor, he totally goes for it, no inhibitions! He means business. Respect, yo.

Also... Mya. Yeah, she's awesome. BUT, even though I have a soft spot for Dmitry (YEAH my vagina), she's a little too good to root for. I think she needs to play up the whole "oh my god I have no experience or rhythm even though I really do because I was an R&B artist & I'm black" thing, because audiences don't like contestants without a challenge! Though since she's actually famous, she's still not completely annoying in her perfection, like Melissa Rycroft, who wasn't even famous & used to be a professional BALLERINA for fuck's sake. YOU DON'T BELONG ON THE SHOW!

& FINALLY, the best surprise EVER -- KELLY OSBOURNE! WTF. Biggest upset ever. My world has officially been rocked. How can she move like that?! While I'm sure they played up her original klutziness in the rehearsal package (SMART), she still kicked ass in a majorly shocking way. I was kinda assuming that her first dance, the waltz, was maybe just a fluke... since it can sometimes be easier to appear graceful than it is to do sharp, quick footwork like in the Latin dances... BUT then she did the Cha Cha Cha group dance & SHE KILLED THAT TOO! I know it's early, but I have a feeling she's going to the finale, just because she's already blowin' up the Twitter trending topics single-handedly!

Here's a video of one of the female group dances, with both Mya & Kelly... Oh, & Macy. Yikes.

Who am I NOT impressed with? Um.. Joanna Krupa. Are the judges blind? She's not that great! Like yeah, she's pretty good - she has some serious potential... but they act like they have some serious Brooke Burke blinders on (who was also HUGELY overrated). YEAH she can move her hips, YEAH she looks good in the fugly costumes, YEAH she's not stumbling all over the place... but three 8's?! I don't think so. She's still awkward with stiff arms... she does not look like a professional dancer when she dances!!

While I want to say that Kathy Ireland & Tom DeLay or Ashley Hamilton (& probably Macy Gray) are likely heading home, Tom probably won't because his partner is Cheryl & everyone loves her, & Macy won't because she's a kick in the pants. & super ridiculous to watch. & everyone likes to watch semi-famous people make fools of themselves. I guess we'll see tonight!

djksaljdalmxaljdlkas

2009-09-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

As I HOPE you've noticed, I've been very good at holding back my pedo tendencies lately. I guess I've just had a more diverse selection of things to talk about, what with the new Fall TV lineup & all the award show mayhem lately. But I'm sorry... these could not be ignored:

WOOOWOOOWOOOWOOO

(that's my police siren)

Well gee, Taycob, my birthday was 2 weeks ago... but you're forgiven!!!

FUck. I mean, FUUUCK. Good thing everyone else is at lunch because I'm pretty sure my face is the color of... a tomato. No, a potato. Russet! Do you believe that Kristen Stewart actually got to be on him? TOUCH THAT? With her body? Like in the same sleeping bag? Like she ACTUALLY got to do that, not post pictures in a blog & fantasize about it. IT WAS FORREAL. I'm not sure I would survive an experience like that, considering I'm having an actual problem breathing from just looking at (okay, ogling) the pictures, but WHAT. A WAY. TO GO.

He has muscles in places I didn't even know existed. GAH. Side porn!

I'm ready for my handcuffs! From Taycob or the police, I don't care which at this point. Well, first one then the other sounds like a logical sequence of events.

RIP energy :(

2009-09-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

Anyone who has spoken to me in the last week (or read my Twitter, for that matter) knows how incredibly distressed/depressed/devastated I am about the demise of Energy 92.7. Just as I was getting in touch with my inner gay man, they pull it off the air unexpectedly. NO WARNING! Whatsoever! My morning commutes will just never be the same without Fernando & Greg to greet me in the AM with their catty debates & often inappropriate entertainment news banter... I'll just never be able to get into the same glowstick-waving celebratory clubbing mood as I used to when my post-work rides home were accompanied by Trevor Simpson's Mix @ 6... & where am I going to find all those obscure techno songs to track down for my solo bedroom dance parties?! UGHHHHHHHH. Woe is me.

But I guess things could be worse (yes, I'll admit it). The very thin, miniscule, barely-there silver lining is that it has been replaced with a Top 40 station -- "the Rev." I know, this hardly sounds like good news considering I've already recently posted a very detailed rant about how I hate everything in rotation lately, buttttt... I am excited about the prospect of a Z95.7 replacement. Plus, since the station is brand spanking new, as it is still in the awkward in-between phase of death & rebirth (*tear*), there are NO babbling DJ's... & NO commercials! So enjoy the actual music-playing while you can, right?

...Oh, wait. Before you get too excited -- I know what you're thinking. There must be a catch, right? Right. Apparently according to "the Rev," this is what the Top 40 looks like:

Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester

SERIOUSLY.

Riiight, we'll see how long that lasts. I'll just be patiently waiting for the return of my gay man party station. I already signed the Facebook petition.

VMA roundup: maybe they serve a purpose after all

2009-09-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

While I admittedly had a field day last week recounting all the reasons why the VMAs ruins lives, it's hard to deny that the show is exciting. Crazy things happen. Idiots get trophies. People say & wear inappropriate things. Kanye throws shit at the fan. And while last year's ceremony was kill-yourself-just-to-have-something-to-do BORING as hell, you can't say this year's didn't more than make up for it in shenanigans, whether or not you agree with the winnings, or how much Russell Brand's existence makes you want to bleed to death out of every pore of your body (which, coincidentally, is what Lady GaGa appeared to be doing from her perch in the 2nd row). Here are some highlights:

Shakira & Pink wearing the SAME DRESS. How does this even happen? All I know is that it's a fashion blogging GOLD MINE.
Shakira & Baby Tay-Tay walking up to present "Best Female Video" to the background musical stylings of "She-Wolf." I'm sure whatever sexual dog reference she made to him would have been super inappropriate if she actually sounded like she was speaking English.
What everyone's talking/tweeting about: Kanye's ambushing of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. It's bad enough to sabotage Eminem or another adult asshole like yourself, but you don't do that to 1) a lady & 2) a YOUNG lady who might actually cry onstage and be traumatized for the rest of her life, 3) a young lady who actually deserved to win for once. WHAT A TARD. Sorry but your bizarre taiko drum performances aren't worth the shitshow you create at almost every award show you attend. LIFETIME BAN, I say!
Unexpected reaction shots of Lady Gaga in her never-ending supply of costumes. Please see: Black Hawk of Death, Bloody Baron, & Budgie Nest.
"Single Ladies" dance LIVE x293029302! Except I'm pretty sure everyone could see her ovaries in that costume. Okay, & calling up Taylor Swift for an acceptance speech "redo' was pretty touching, even though I still can't stand Beyonce. Whatever, props.
The fact that Kanye won NOTHING.
& in my opinion, the BEST moment EVER: Lil Mama crashing Jay Z's performance. LOL. The best part is that hardly no one is talking about it... because no one fucking cares about Lil Mama! But it seriously was the funniest shit ever. She just jumped onstage at the end & struck a "thug" pose as if she thought that would be okay... as if she thought she could "hang" with people like fuckin' Jay Z & Alicia Keys. SERIOUSLY? WHO ARE YOU!! LOfuckingL. Jay Z was not havin' it.

My hopes for next year? I look forward to the replacement of Russell Brand, more accidental twinzies on the red carpet, & the return of the whole "Best Dance Video" category. Oh, & it would be nice to have judges who actually watch the videos.. but I won't get my hopes up.

Conversations With Creepers, Round 5

2009-09-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Surprise: the IM creepers keep coming. I've conveniently dubbed this particular loser as, well, "loser," for easy distinguishing from all the other lurkers I get blowin' up my laptop screen. Watch this one get schooled:

loser: hi chickaz'

me: huh?

loser: hey wassup?

loser: nice sn

me: uh.. thanks

loser: welcome..

loser: cam2cam?

loser: HELLO!!!

loser: hey u there?

me: yeah hi

me: what do you want?

loser: nothing sorry

loser: u were not replying

me: to what

loser: cam2cam?

me: uh. no

loser: y

me: not into it

loser: or maybe dont have a cam?

loser: ???????

me: most people with computers younger than 5 years old have webcams.

me: they come attached.

loser: ya.. so?

me: so WHAT

loser: cam2cam?

me: i'm pretty sure i already said no, i'm not into it

me: so why would having a cam or not change that?

loser: ok

loser: wht does tht mean?

me: what does WHAT mean?

loser: nothiing.

loser: i was just in a mood of having fun thts why i asked for c2c.. thts it.

me: and i said no

loser: ya u did..

me: so why are you giving me a recap, it just happened 2 minutes ago

loser: coz i felt like u may co operate.

me: i may "cooperate" with what?

loser: c2c. lol now u r recaping

me: uh.. no, that's called asking you a question

me: since i couldn't fathom the fact that you were actually asking me to get on cam AGAIN after i've already said no about 3 times

me: do i need to report you?

loser: but whts the reason y u dont come on cam?

me: because i'm. NOT. INTERESTED.

loser: ok

loser: wht r u intrested in?

me: in terms of what

loser: anything on here.

me: i'm just killing time at work. i don't know how you found me.

loser: ok.

loser: thts y i m doig here.

loser: wished to have some fun but now i m helpless

me: yeah you sound pretty fuckin helpless

me: that sucks

loser: a lot ya

loser: tht sucks coz ppl dont co operate lolz...

me: are you trying to force people into doing something?

me: maybe you should try finding people who actually are interested in going on cam

loser: not at all.

loser: i m just presenting myself..

me: uh. ok

me: well good luck with that

loser: oh really?

loser: wish ur good luck can help me wheree i want to lol.

me: wtf are you talking about

loser: nothing.....leave it..

me: yeah you don't make any sense

loser: i was just wondering whether i can c uuuuuuu or not...n i know the answer too...

me: so you're not actually wondering.

loser: coz ppl sometimes change thier mind..

me: you can't type for shit

me: it's pretty annoying

loser: i apologise

me: among other obnoxious behaviors you seem unable to stop exhibiting

me: so .. i'm gonna go

me: peace

loser: oh........ok

loser: it was very terrible meeting u

me: you haven't.

loser: wht i havnt?

me: met me.

me: that was me going ahead & assuming your question was supposed to say "what haven't i done?"

loser: good idea but u ll remember me

loser: bye

loser: ahhahaha

loser: ok lets start from the beginning

me: no thanks, you're pretty idiotic

me: adios

loser: lets start a descent conversation

loser: k

loser: /.'?

loser: ?

loser: hi

me: adios means bye

loser: u r so rude :(

loser: bye

Yeah that's what you get for AIM-ambushing me. Suck on THAT.

BEST NEWS EVER

2009-09-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

In case the overload of Fall weeknight primetime entertainment has you not that anxious for the start of this season's "Dancing With The Stars," THIS might do the trick:

PEACE OUT, POODLE BITCH!

AHAHHAHAHHHAHAH

Karina Smirnoff & [my boyfriend-to-be] Maksim Chmerodjsakjdlkajd have called off their engagement!! FOREVER!!

(So I can't spell his last name, but... I don't have to take it when we get married, so it's cool.)

Imagine my excitement when Fernando & Greg on Energy 92.7 announced they had broken up during my morning commute to BART. I FREAKED OUT. Seriously. I was joyous. SO HAPPY.

I realize that's awful & super fucked up of me, but hey, that's schadenfreude.

Crappiest Award Show Ever: the VMAs

2009-09-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

Just in case you only visit MTV for various replays of "The Real World" or "16 & Pregnant" & are therefore a little out of the loop, the 2009 VMAs air this Sunday. Well, guess what -- I hate the VMAs. A lot. If it wasn't bad enough that they actually thought it was a good idea to have Russell Brand host AGAIN after the colossal FAIL of a job he did last year, the entire award show is just faulty... stupid... inaccurate... nonsensical... awful. It really fucking sucks. Sure, it has exposed us to many memorable performances -- ie: Britney's nude rhinestone body suit, Britney's lezzie kiss with Madonna, Britney's god-awful "Gimme More" disaster -- but when it comes to Moonman-giving, the show is pretty fucking maddening, & only encourages the birth of more increasingly CRAPPY videos by awarding shitty videos that suck balls. WHY, MTV, why?

Why does the show suck so badly? Because the videos that win are not great. I'm not going to say that I know of sooo many other videos that are more deserving of nominations over the ones that do earn them, because let's face it -- the video world is generally rather disappointing. But what's so annoying is that oftentimes the nominations are actually pretty respectable for the most part! --BUT it's never the good video nominees that actually win, it's the most popular SONGS that win. & if you're giving out awards for "best female song," "song of the year," or "most overplayed bullshit on the radio" -- that's cool, you're right, shit like "Umbrella" by Rihanna totally does deserve the trophy. But when your categories boast titles like "BEST VIDEO," "BEST CONCEPT VIDEO," "BEST CHOREOGRAPHY," etc... GUESS WHAT -- it should be about the video, not about how popular the song is. KEEP IT RILLL, please.

In some cases, you'd swear the people who judge (who are these clowns, BTW?! WTF kind of blind excuse for an "academy" do you have voting?!) have not watched any of the videos in question. For example, last year, "Piece Of Me" by Britney won. Now, if the award was "Most Improved From The Last Video," this would have been pretty legit. But without comparison to the horror clip that was "Gimme More," "Piece Of Me" was not a good video. Yeah, Britney looked "much better," she wasn't lazily grinding on a stripper pole, & she looked slightly more awake, but that doesn't mean the video was even remotely good, LET ALONE THE BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR. & not only was there a nominated video that was better -- ALL of the other nominated videos were better.

ALL OF THEM!

"Forever" by Chris Brown? Visually, conceptually, choreography-wise WAY BETTER.

"When I Grow Up" by Pussycat Dolls? Energy & choreo-wise kiiiiinda BETTER.

"Shut Up & Let Me Go" by the Ting Tings? Creatively, conceptually & technically MUCH BETTER.

"Burnin' Up" by the Jonas Brothers? Trying to be unbiased, but conceptually, story-wise, & in terms of originality -- BETTER BETTER BETTER.

EVERYTHING ELSE > "Piece Of Me" by Britney

So, in conclusion: how much do you want to bet that "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa is going to win the big award this year? Though Eminem's celebrity disses have a history of winning (& okay, his video wins actually are pretty legit), "Single Ladies" was WAY more memorable, Kanye's vid is pretty visually interesting, "Womanizer" was the most exciting comeback (but again, not good enough Britney), "Poker Face" is the one with the most radio play. I mean, don't get me wrong -- the video is not bad, if not pretty boring at its worst... but it is by no means interesting or amazing. In fact, they might as well have nominated her for "Just Dance" instead & called it "subtly artsy" because at least then it would have an edge, even though that video is just about the biggest piece of crap I've seen since Ashlee Simpson's "L.O.V.E" (okay not really - L.O.V.E. really is the worst thing ever). BUT the song is about the most overplayed sound in the world from the past year. & she's popular as fuck, as an artist. & that's all that's important when it comes to taking home those worthless Moonmen. Wagers, anyone?

easy breezy beautiful, cover boy

2009-08-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

What. The. Fuck.

HE'S ON THE COVER?!?!?!

I'm gonna go ahead and ignore the glaring homo-ness associated with being a male face of Teen Vogue (especially in tandem with his own glaring homo-ness) & just... enjoy. I suggest you do the same:

*Desperately tries not to revert to my life-long habit of covering my walls with magazine rip-outs -- a behavior I just successfully kicked like 3 months ago.*

MUST. NOT. PLASTER.

...Errr, malfunctionnnn -- *saves insanely hot dirty t-shirt pic as background of my phone.*

Okay, that will just have to quench my wallpaper craving. Fuck, do I really need a Tay-Tay patch? I'm so bad.

*Patiently waits for the creepy foreign mailman at the office to deliver the new issue.*

"IT'S COOL, I WORK IN FASHION. THIS IS FOR RESEARCH."

Pop Culture Pet Peeve #2: Everything On The Radio Now

2009-08-27T12:31:00.001-07:00

The turn-over rate of what's popular in the music industry is pretty damn quick -- in fact, it's the quickest of any of the entertainment sectors (See? I did take away something from that hellhole of a class Comm 10). Unfortunately, this particular current segment of radio rotation just doesn't seem to want to "turn over" & fucking die fast enough for me. While I don't always love everything of whatever happens to be the hit music of the moment (but sometimes I actually do -- & it makes me just want to live in a club until the next period's not-as-good rotation takes over), I seriously can't recall a Top 40 phase I hate more than what's currently being overplayed lately.

So without further ado, I just wanted to share a slew of songs that are STILL playing that I really don't think I can listen to one more time without wanting to punch a pea. A Black Eyed Pea.

"I Gotta Feeling" - Black Eyed Peas
Everything from the Black Eyed Peas latest album, in fact. Except "Imma Be," which they don't even fucking play on the radio.
"Knock You Down" - Keri Hilson, aka the most overplayed song since NSync's "Bye Bye Bye"
"Obsessed" - Mariah Carey. I highly doubt Eminem wants to bang you that badly, get over it.
"Best I Ever Had" - Drake. Go back to Degrassi or some other show I don't watch.
"Be On You" - Flo Rida. Actually haven't heard it play more than twice, but it's mind-numbingly stupid. It sounds like "I wanna pee on you" the way Ne-Yo sings it, but the actual words aren't much sexier.
"Waking Up In Vegas" - Katy Perry. I actually liked this song at first, until I found it playing on 3 consecutive programmed stations in my car at the exact same time.
"I'm Yours" - Jason Mraz. I hated the radio version with the stupid background singers enough as it is.. & then they had to create another version with a RAP INTRO, so they put it BACK into rotation as if it's an entirely brand new song! Enough is enough!! AHHHHH
"Every Girl" - Lil Wayne. You wish you could fuck every girl in the world? Really. Too bad you look like a gremlin. And since you sound like one too, "Dating in the Dark" couldn't even help you.
"When Love Takes Over" - David Guetta & Kelly Rowland. It's possible that I'd like this song more if Kelly Rowland wasn't the world's most useless host on "The Fashion Show" (okay, maybe tied with Padma on "Top Chef")... but it really sounds horrible, so nevermind.
"Ego" - Beyonce. Ugh, I hate her, but most of her recent songs don't bug me as much as this one. I mean, I understand she's trying be all cheeky with her "big ego" innuendos, but if you want to tell us about this guy's huge cock so bad, just fucking say so already.
"The Hardest Part" - Pussycat Dolls .. UHGHGJHFJHDKF I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT.

Okay, those are just off the top of my head... I'm sure I'll come up with a few more on my drive home today while I'm banging my head on the steering wheel. If I left any out that you're sure I must hate, let me know... BUT just FYI, I like "She Wolf," but it would have been a respectable guess.

happy birthday to meeee

2009-08-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

My birthday is in 2 weeks from today. JUST SAYIN'...

BRING ME HOME PLZ.

..Good luck bribing them to ship it to America. & before October 30th, because that would be like, super belated. But good news, it's on sale for £2 cheaper than usual.

Just kidding, but in all seriousness here -- WHY is he wearing a shirt?! So inaccurate.

Though I guess I don't need any more reasons to hump a piece of cardboard.

megan wants a.. MURDERER?!

2009-08-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

So, I was just considering starting my planned post about all the loser rejectees from Vh1/MTV dating shows whom I wouldn't kick out of my own bed (or --I'll be honest-- whom I've just plain fallen in love with during their 30 minutes a week of reality show fame) when I came across this "EXCLUSIVE" news:

One of the potential wealthy "suitors" from "Megan Wants a Millionaire" is possibly a MURDERER!! AHHHHH!! I totally watch that show. Obvi.

Don't worry -- he isn't one of the many F-list losers I long to bang (in fact, all of the guys on that particular show are disgusting!), but still... Remind me, when I become famous, not to sink so low as to star in my own "celebreality" dating show, because I really don't feel like ending up stuffed into a suitcase, which is what he is possibly suspected of doing. NOT TO MEGAN! Don't worry. Megan & her fake titties are safe... but some other rando blonde stripper from Vegas is not. RIP. :(

I haven't seen all the episodes, but yup -- totally know who he is. He's the foreigner who told her he'd like to use her as a means of obtaining a green card. She was "smart" enough to cock an eyebrow at that unusual attempt at a pick-up line, but when he explained that he wouldn't make her sign a prenup, she suddenly had hearts for pupils. Well, good thing she doesn't end up picking him! I think... Way to get your ass in trouble and ruin the show for us! Jerk.

Though it's certainly too early to defame the guy yet, as he's "only" a suspect (errr...), I have to say I'm relieved to know that my BFF Fox from "Daisy of Love" isn't the one under suspicion. No, he's not on my list of rejected a-holes I'd consider marrying either, but he did get to second base with me with his eyes at that late-night burrito stand I saw him at.

DON'T GET ME UPSET!

2009-08-17T16:13:00.001-07:00

Finally, I can stop ruining my eyes trying to watch the contraband, bootleg version of the 2nd New Moon trailer (Jacob-centric this time, as it should be!!) and instead can simultaneously geek out & drool over the HIGH QUALITY official version. Legal, unlike the thoughts roaming through my head as I watch Baby TayTay's very illegal rippling muscles. I'm sure it's no coincidence that Jacob Black's initials also stand for Jail Bait.

*Sigh*.. Is it just me or did the increased quality of the video significantly increase his hotness?! Wow. So good, it almost makes me forget about that god-awful wig. Almost. Of course, the increased quality of the video also significantly increased how stupid the CGI of him climbing up the side of the house looks, but... the fact that he's shirtless definitely helps.

Oh, what's that? You wish you could see the naked hug in slow-motion? That's funny -- I was totally thinking the same thing. We're in luck:

AHHHHHHHH !@KEJKLAJ DAKLSJD@ #(@#)! (#@
Can you imagine? Like... can you imagine? Topless Jacob Black pulling you into a topless hug. Okay, I realize he's not actually Jacob Black & his skin would not radiate the same supernaturally intoxicating heat that comes with being a teen wolf. I may be projecting. But still. That's hardly a deal-breaker. Wow. I would not be able to stand. My knees would literally buckle & I would just slide to the floor... & fully enjoy myself the whole way down, BT-DUB.

Oh, & let's not forget THIS --

God, I guess I didn't pay that much attention while reading New Moon, but this is definitely NOT what I expected from the Jacob-Bella almost-kiss. Like, that is ONE HELL of an almost-kiss! I mean, I thought they'd be at least a good foot away from each other, nervously staring into each other's eyes & he'd start to go in for the lean-in (& -*cringe*- she doesn't know if she's into it & is possibly going to reject him at the last second SUPER-fawkwardly before she's interrupted)... but THIS?! This is like... AHHHHH!!! Noses overlapping, eyes already closed in preparation, lips MILLIMETERS APART... & then --BRRRIIIINGG! Edward cockblock Cullen calling! What a freakin' ball-buster. I would be like FUCK EDWARD. GO GET YOURSELF KILLED IN ITALY WHILE I MAKE OUT, YOU MELODRAMATIC SPARKLE SHITTER.

...But that's just me, obvi.

Seriously though, can you imagine?! I. Would. Die.

Who knew that in just a year, this little homo child seen in the video would magically turn into such a hot-ass Jacob Black?!?!

dancing with the tardlets

2009-08-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

O Happy Day! The "Dancing With The Stars" Season 9 lineup has officially been revealed.. & all I gotta say is: "zzzzzz." Boring! I can't imagine rooting for any of these goons. Except maybe... *drum roll plz*...

HAHAHA wow. This is gonna be interesting. Gotta love the "Did You Know?" portion of his "bio" -- yes, I did know about the "That's How I Beat Shaq" video, thanks. Remind me to write a post on that shit. & why did they think the celebs' astrological sign was relevant? So they could blame their sucking on the lack of zodiac chemistry with their pro partner?

Anyway, other promising contestants include Kelly Osbourne (woof), Macy Gray (WTF?), and Mya.. as in "Case of the Ex" Mya. If she gets paired with Maks, I will consider voting for her just because her partner's "Like Wo."

No news on the pairings yet, though! I'm super curious. I feel sorry for whoever gets paired with... uh... any of these fools, really.

Complete contestant list here. Of course this can really only be considered temporary, since quite a few of them are bound to get injured and replaced by the time the end-of-September premiere rolls around. Anyway, thoughts? Don't know who any of these people are? Don't give a shit? Thought so.

<333

2009-08-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

The only reason to TiVo & then fast-forward through the Teen Choice Awards...

HAHA oh, I love him:

Loves x2039023

Seriously, marry me.

In case you're interested, this is the photo she showed him:

HAHAHAHA.. well played, lady.

Though it's really too bad she had to put a damper on the cuteness by bringing up Selena. I don't need you playing tween matchmaker, woman. As always, he was very poised & polite in his truthful denial. & just because I'm jealous, I watched the lady's same interview with Selena & she definitely did not have that reaction! In fact she looked like she was going to throw up out of embarrassment before jumping on that little girl's back & riding her out of there. Psh, Access Hollywood & their instigators...

And to ruin the cuteness even further, there seems to be a developing pattern of photos in existence that I find to be quite disconcerting:

From March:

From yesterday:

..Okay, so I realize that just two photos of two good-looking fellas on two separate occasions hardly counts as a pattern, much less a pattern that implies any kind of homosexual interaction between them, but:

They're both pretty femme.
They're touching each other in a disturbingly bromantic fashion.
Chace's womanly vibes in the 2nd pic are so strong, not even his impressive dating record of hot ladies is reassuring me.
They're matching... in both pictures.
THEY ARE MATCHING IN BOTH PICTURES!!!

Just kidding (I hope). If he's going to let someone rob his cradle (Chace is 24!), can't it at least be a chick?! I mean, talk about adding insult to injury.

burn the floor.. & my loins

2009-08-05T16:09:00.001-07:00

Yeah, the So You Think You Can Dance finale is tonight, but forgive me -- I'm having a hard time giving a shit. Everyone is boring! I was already sort of over it even before Janette left prematurely, but whatevz. I'll watch it, obvi, but I'm sure as hell not excited about it.

I think it's sad that SYTYCD is so dull this season that I'm already looking forward to the next installment of Dancing With The Stars. Ever since I finally got hooked two seasons ago, I'm constantly coming across more reasons I rue the fact that my parents never forced me to take ballroom dance lessons as a small child. And while looking at Broadway press photos from the past week, I came across some more reasons (actually, just more of the same reason):

So to sum things up, I could have a hot-ass body like Karina Smirnoff's (minus her very unfortunate nose) without even trying (okay, so I guess she does try -- really hard -- but it's her job!), I could be guest-starring in a hot-ass Broadway show (!!!), and I would have a hot-ass dancer fiance like Maksim Chmerkovskiy (though I would probably not take his name upon marriage, sorry).

Oh, Maksim. If you don't watch the show -- which you probably don't -- Maks is the token asshole of the pro dancers. He makes all of his "star" proteges cry. He was banned from a season or two for verbally abusing his partners. He is a cocky, conceited jerk. I want to do him.

He also has the best choreography, in my opinion -- aside from maybe Derek Hough & Cheryl Burke -- but always gets stuck with dancers who either get injured (*cough*Misty*cough*) or uncoordinated idiots like Denise Richards. If you can dance with Jesus on a cross in "Drop Dead Gorgeous," you can most certainly dance with fuckin' hot-ass Maks, no matter how loud he's yelling in your ear about how much you suck and how he's going to slap a bitch if you step on his million-dollar feet one more time.

Seriously, Mom & Dad, WHY DIDN'T YOU FORCE ME INTO SOME RUSSIAN BALLROOM DANCING SCHOOL?! My unborn kids can say goodbye to their freedom already, that's all I gotta say.

see y'all in hell

2009-08-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty embarrassed that my posts have done a poor job lately of showing off my range as a wannabe professional ranter & have instead been more or less an accurate reflection of my one-track mind (though in all fairness I did do a nice lengthy music video post two weekends ago, but I don't hear anyone applauding me for that!)... but I'm sorry -- this had to be shared.. & documented for later viewing/drooling/impure thoughts. No, I'm not at all obsessed:

All squiggly designs and tree trunks aside, HOLY MOTHERFUCKING CROW .. is what Bella should be thinking.

As for what I'm thinking, I can't say in too much detail... My professional future is brighter than the orange jumpsuit I'd be forced to wear upon being sent to jail for what this picture makes me want to do.

This is not good for my health.

I think I would die if I was in her position. Literally have a heart attack & die. God, how awful.. Jacob jumps off a cliff to save my stupid, suicidal, stuttering ass from drowning & revives me, only to climb on top of me & gaze into my just-opened eyes... & I just die. Fuck! But what a way to go.

In case you're already in the market for a 2010 calendar & want some ideas (not), this photo is New Moon's way of welcoming you to the glorious month of April, which is so appropriately the month in which we celebrate the day Jesus rose again. Unless Easter is in March next year... fuck if I know; this calendar photo is HARDLY SETTING THE TONE FOR ANY SORT OF WORSHIP OF THE JESUS KIND.

I'd go so far as to say I'd want the calendar just because of this picture, but I'll be honest -- I don't really want the calendar. The only way I'd actually enjoy it is if every month had this same picture.

APRIL: wet Jacob

MAY: wet Jacob

JUNE: wet Jacob

JULY: wet Jacob

AUGUST: wet Jacob

SEPTEMBER: wet Jacob & a HAPPY EFFING BIRTHDAY TO ME.

..Good thing Taylor Lautner will have already turned a very legal 18 by February... which is why I'm sure it's no coincidence that February also boasts a Jacob picture (though not a wet one, or a shirtless one for that matter. Hmph!) But in any case, happy birthday indeed.

[[EDIT: my pride couldn't afford another separate post, but here are some more stills from a different calendar (how many fucking Twilight calendars does the world need? Can we just compile all the hot Jacob pics into one? 'kay thanks): <3 & <333]]

okay, now i'm just pissed

2009-07-31T14:57:00.000-07:00

Well, someone's tryna get on my bad side.. & considering she's a country singer, she was already treading on thin ice. & to think I almost put her "You Belong With Me" video in my Commendable list!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. *Pulls hair out & stews in anger* ..

HOW MANY TIMES DO TAYLOR & TAYLOR GET TO MAKE OUT IN THIS LITTLE MOVIE OF THEIRS?! I mean, I grasped the reasoning behind the whole Prom King & Prom Queen little makeout sesh with the marching band thing from the pics I found yesterday.. whatever.. but they gotta make out in PE & shit too?! I mean, what kind of brothel of a high school is this?! MR. METHEANY WOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED THIS! & do your CROTCHES need to be kissing too?! This is approximately one leg wrap-around away from requiring a trip to Planned Parenthood. This is serious. May I remind you, she-Taylor, that he-Taylor is a minor?! YOU ARE 3 YEARS HIS SENIOR. Go take a JoBro's virginity or something & leave the cougar shit to me.

The good news is that it gets significantly FAWKWARD from there:

...Yikes! I sure hope his eyes aren't closed in concentration 'cause he's trying to imagine that she's a dude. God just STOP HUMPING FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THINGS HOLY. Not like I blame her.

taylor + taylor!!

2009-07-30T18:17:00.001-07:00

So I've always mostly attributed my infatuation with Baby TayTay to the fact that he plays Jacob, the fictional man-wolf-child of my dreams, & not because I'm particularly into him himself. Sure, he also happens to look like Adonis, but so do a lot of celebrities, so would I be quite that obsessed if he wasn't assigned to a character I was already attached to? Who knows -- I'm already in love, so it's a little late for the "what ifs," but Just Jared posted some pictures of Taylor filming another movie in which he doesn't play a funny, cocky-yet-sensitive, hopelessly romantic werewolf... The verdict? STILL HOT AS HELL:

You can totally tell she-Taylor is checkin' out he-Taylor from under her eyelashes. Can't blame the girl or anything (though what is it with him & the JoBro exes?!)... I'd be doing the same thing, except if I was of appropriate age like she is, I'd probably be significantly more shameless in my approach.

...Apparently the movie is Valentine's Day, & it seems kind of like a "He's Just Not That Into You" ensemble cast type of rom-com designed to rake in the box office bucks on V-Day. & apparently he's rumored to play ANNE HATHAWAY'S mail room assistant/boyfriend?!?! WTF does that mean? Anne Hathaway?! It sounds like a dirty teacher-screwing-her-student kind of cougar shit. Not like she's old, but she's definitely older than me! & he's... well, you know... younger, of course. So naturally, I'm intrigued!! I'm even more intrigued if the movie comes with free tickets to his gun show. I don't care how much the movie will suck -- if he's wearing this uniform the whole time, I'll gladly throw $11 in the trash to watch it. Obvi.

[[EDIT: Okay, so I have a sneaky suspicion that Just Jared is a little confused, & that the pics were actually from the set of an upcoming Taylor Swift music video... because a) it looks like all her other ones, & b) why would she be in that movie? I don't even think boy-Taylor is confirmed to be in it yet... Any of my many Taylor Swift-fanatic friends have any news on a possible video that would involve a prom king & queen sucking face?! (girl you better check yo self before I wreck yo self!)]]

Timeless Video Trend #1: The Rainy Rock-Out

2009-07-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

I decided to start this new post series with the intention of honoring (or hating on) recurring trends or techniques found in music videos, both classic & new, that lend to their popularity, stupidness, aMaZiNGneSS, or just overall memorability -- good or bad.

For example, possible topics that are tribute-worthy include overused music video scenarios like: EXTREME close-ups of singer's faces while they serenade the camera, random dance breaks in normally inappropriate situations, walking down a narrow hotel hallway, or for the sake of this post, rockin' out in the rain.

Oh, the rainy rock-out. What is it about the rain that brings out our inner rockstar vixen? Is it just because everyone looks sexier wet? (Okay, well I'm pretty sure I don't, but if normal people had a personal makeup artist on-hand at all times, we all would). I mean, if these people got rained on forrealz in the middle of their concert set, I'm pretty sure they'd be pissed as hell. I mean, hello -- ruined equipment, rat's nest hair, leather boots FUCKED... yet somehow it manages to be a recurring music video trend among the wannabe bad-ass girl category. It just makes a lip-syncer or completely average poser-girl pretending to play guitar look so much more legit, instantly! Without further ado, some of my favorites:

1. Stronger - Britney Spears

Oh Britney, back in the good ol' days. I might be in denial, but I can't help but compulsively root for her even though she performs like a geriatric nowadays. I guess some part of me is still foolishly convinced that she's going to break out with a boa constrictor or a silver chair & start dancing with the energy and enthusiasm of Britney circa 2001. Anyway, she didn't do much "rocking out" in her tiny rainy segment (who goes out driving in a black lace outfit like that? In the RAIN, no less), but I remember watching "Making The Video" back in 8th grade or whenever it was & thinking the whole "drowned rat" look was pretty cutting edge & surprisingly seductive. I'm sure someone did something similar before her to make this unoriginal, but c'mon, it's Britney bitch!

2. Too Little Too Late - JoJo

Man, I fucking love JoJo and her blaccent (yes, that is the formal term for a "black accent"). I must have watched this video about 20 times just to listen to the song before I was able to find it on Limewire. As a result, I can't listen to the song now without having the urge to run outside in a skimpy tank top & turn the sprinklers on & toss my hair around & kick soccer balls & trash cans & shit. Unlike Britney, this girl has some serious pipes... plus she actually gets into the whole drama the rain provides & gets ANGRY! Mess with her, & she will fucking throw your teddy bear away, asshole! Also, if JoJo's badassness isn't enough to make you love the vid, I'm pretty sure the sexy two-timing soccer player boyfriend is on the UCLA team. Woop woop!

3. Don't Forget - Demi Lovato

Okay, so before you start swiggin' that hate-orade & give me shit for diggin' Demi Lovato, hear me out: she's tight. Butt-chin & all. Much better than her ho-fo-sho BFF Selena Gomez. Just kidding, I love Selena too... I'm just a little pissed at her. Anyway, if I had to pick a champ of the rainy rock-out, Demi just might be it. This video is pretty good! The blue-ish tint, the water effects, the "acting"... Sure, the window scenes look almost exactly like the JoJo vid up there^^ & the whole deserted merry-go-round thing is a little too Are You Afraid Of The Dark for my taste. But all that aside, she is actually really convincing! Especially in the close-ups in the beginning & her crying in the end... & the "rock-out" was no prissy "I-need-to-stay-looking-sexy-so-I'm-gonna-half-ass-it" break section. She lets loose! She gets ropes of hair slapped in her face & contorts her features like she's really beltin' it out & she actually makes it look like she's goin' nuts on that guitar, when we all know that's really impossible because she probably doesn't know how to do that & they'd probably all get electrocuted, anyway. Props, little one!

...Any notable rainy vids I may have forgotten? No, "I Turn To You" by Christina Aguilera does not count. She's got an umbrella.

o sweet baby jesus

2009-07-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

OH EM EFFING GEE

If he didn't have that damn injun wig, I'd have a huge boner right now. But since they insisted on making his pre-werewolf hair look like mine before I straighten it, I am just regularly aroused... within my normal physical capabilities.

& SHE SAYS IT!! SHE SAYS "SORT OF BEAUTIFUL!" They didn't let her modify it into something rude & sarcastic & Kristen-like! Of course, the delivery sucks... but... the intended tender-awk moment lives!!! They're supposed to be cuddlin' up in the truck at the time, but... I'm satisfied.

Thank you, random fangirl who snuck in a camera & risked your life to smuggle out such valuable footage from yesterday's Comic Con. Thank you.